50
我不知不觉对安东尼奥产生了感情。我们之间的性游戏越来越大胆，越来越享受。我想着下次莉拉来“海滨公园”时，我要问她，当她和斯特凡诺单独开车远去时会发生什么事情。他们会不会做我和安东尼奥做的事情？或者要更加大胆，做索拉拉兄弟提到的那些事情？这种事情我不能和别人说，只能和她交流，但我没机会问她那些问题，因为她没有再来“海滨公园”。
I grew fond of Antonio almost without
realizing it. Our sexual games became a little bolder, a little more
pleasurable. I thought that if Lila came again to the Sea Garden I would ask
her what happened between her and Stefano when they went off in the car
alone. Did they do the same things that Antonio and I did or more, for
example the things that the rumors started by the two Solaras said she did? I
had no one to compare myself with except her. But there was no chance to ask
her those questions, she didn’t come back to the Sea Garden.
八月十五日圣母升天节之后，我的工作结束了，享受大海和阳光的欢乐也结束了。文具店老板娘对我非常满意，我把她的三个女儿都照顾得很好。尽管我再三交代，让她们不要把安东尼奥的事情说出去，但她们还是告诉母亲，有时候会有一个小伙子和她们一起跳水。文具店老板娘非但没奚落我，还拥抱了我，对我说：“真不错，你也应该放开一点，对于你这个年纪，你也太保守了，太懂事了。”最后，她有点鄙夷地说：“你想想莉娜·赛鲁罗每天都在干什么。”
In mid-August my job was over and, with
it, the joy of sun and sea. The stationer was extremely satisfied with the
way I had taken care of the children and although they, in spite of my
instructions, had told their mother that sometimes a young man who was my
friend came to the beach, with whom they did some lovely dives, instead of
reproaching me embraced me, saying, “Thank goodness, let go a little, please,
you’re too sensible for your age. And she added maliciously, “Think of Lina
Cerullo, all she gets up to.”
晚上，在池塘边上，我对安东尼奥说：“事情一直都是这样，从我们很小的时候起，所有人都觉得：她是一个坏女孩，我是个好女孩。”
At the ponds that evening I said to
Antonio, “It’s always been like that, since we were little: everyone thinks
she’s bad and I’m good.”
他吻了我，有点讽刺地说：“你为什么这么说，难道这不是真的吗？”
He kissed me, murmuring ironically, “Why,
isn’t that true?”
他的回答让我心软了，我没有办法张口说我们不得不分手的事情。这个决定，对于我来说非常紧迫，我们有感情，但不是爱情，我爱尼诺，我知道自己会一直爱着尼诺。我已经准备好了要对安东尼奥说的一番话，我要心平气和地对他说：“跟他在一起的那段时间非常美好，他帮助我度过了一段我非常低落的时光，但现在开学了，今年我增添了很多新课程，是非常艰难的一年，我要非常努力地学习，我觉得非常遗憾，但我们必须分开。”每天下午我去池塘的时候，都感觉这番话都要脱口而出，但他对我那么深情款款，那么充满激情，我缺乏勇气，所以一直迟迟没说出口。八月十五我没有开口，过了八月十五，快到月底了。我心想：对一个人只是有一些感情，不是爱情，在这种情况下，不能接吻、抚摸人家，或者任其抚摸。莉拉很爱斯特凡诺，我并不爱安东尼奥。
That response touched me and kept me from
telling him that we had to part. It was a decision that seemed to me urgent,
the affection wasn’t love, I loved Nino, I knew I would love him forever. I
had a gentle speech prepared for Antonio, I wanted to say to him: It’s been
wonderful, you helped me a lot at a time when I was sad, but now school is
starting and this year is going to be difficult, I have new subjects, I’ll
have to study a lot; I’m sorry but we have to stop. I felt it was necessary
and every afternoon I went to our meeting at the ponds with my little speech
ready. But he was so affectionate, so passionate, that my courage failed and
I put it off. In the middle of August. By the end of the month. I said: you
can’t kiss, touch a person and be touched, and be only a little fond of him;
Lila loves Stefano very much, I did not love Antonio.
过了一段时间，我一直没有找到合适的时机和他交谈。他很担忧，因为天热时，梅丽娜的病情一般会恶化，在八月下旬，这种恶化会很明显。她又想起萨拉托雷——她称之为多纳托——她说她看到多纳托了，说他回来接她了，几个孩子都没办法让她平静下来。这件事让我也很忧愁，假如萨拉托雷真的出现在城区的街道上，那他也是来找我的，而不是找梅丽娜。夜里，我有时候会忽然惊醒，感觉他好像从窗子爬了进来，待在我的房间里。最后，我平静下来，心想他可能正在巴拉诺、在玛隆蒂海滩度假呢，而不是在这里，这里天气那么热，到处都是苍蝇和灰尘。
The time passed and I could never find
the right moment to speak to him. He was worried. In the heat Melina
generally got worse, but in the second half of August the deterioration
became very noticeable. Sarratore returned to her mind, whom she called Donato.
She said she had seen him, she said he had come to get her; her children
didn’t know how to soothe her. I became anxious that Sarratore really had
appeared on the streets of the neighborhood and that he was looking not for
Melina but for me. At night I woke with a start, under the impression that he
had come in through the window and was in the room. Then I calmed down, I
thought: he must be on vacation in Barano, at the Maronti, not here, in this
heat, with the flies, the dust.
但有天早上，我出去买东西的时候，听到有人在叫我，我转过身去。当时我一下子没认出他来，后来我定睛一看，看到了他黑色的胡子，被太阳晒得黝黑、线条俊朗的脸庞，还有薄薄的嘴唇。我后退了一步，他跟了上来。他说那个夏天在巴拉诺、在内拉的家里没有找到我，他很难过。他说他一直想着我，没有我他不知道怎么活下去。他说为了我们的爱情，他会写很多诗歌，他会给我读那些诗歌。他说他想见我，想无所顾忌地和我交谈，假如我拒绝他的话，他会自杀。我停了下来，一字一句地对他说：请不要再骚扰我，我已经有男朋友了，我不想再看到他。他很抓狂，低声说他会一直等我，每天正午他都会在大路隧道入口那里等我。我非常坚定地摇了摇头说：“我永远都不会去那里。”他过来想吻我，我向后跳了一步，满脸憎恶。他很无奈地微笑了一下，低声说：“你很出色，很敏感，我会带给你一些我最喜欢的诗。”然后转身走了。
But one morning when I was going to do
the shopping I heard my name called. I turned and at first I didn’t recognize
him. Then I brought into focus the black mustache, the pleasing features
gilded by the sun, the thin-lipped mouth. I kept going, he followed me. He
said that he had been pained not to find me at Nella’s house, in Barano, that
summer. He said that he thought only of me, that he couldn’t live without me.
He said that to give a form to our love he had written many poems and would
like to read them to me. He said that he wanted to see me, talk to me at
leisure, that if I refused he would kill himself. Then I stopped and
whispered that he had to leave me alone, I had a boyfriend, I never wanted to
see him again. He despaired. He murmured that he would wait for me forever,
that every day at noon he would be at the entrance to the tunnel on the
stradone. I shook my head forcefully: I would never go there. He leaned
forward to kiss me, I jumped back with a gesture of disgust, he gave a
disappointed smile. He murmured, “You’re clever, you’re sensitive, I’ll bring
you the poems I like best,” and he went off.
我非常害怕，不知道该怎么办。我决定求助于安东尼奥。当天晚上，在池塘边我对他说，她母亲说得没错，多纳托·萨拉托雷是在这个城区转悠，他在路上拦住了我，让我告诉梅丽娜，他会一直等着她，每天中午他都会在隧道入口那里等她。安东尼奥的脸色变得阴沉，他低声说：“我该怎么办呢？”我对他说，我会陪着他去赴约，我们一起跟萨拉托雷把话说清楚，讲一讲他母亲目前的健康状况。
I was very frightened, I didn’t know what
to do. I decided to turn to Antonio. That evening, at the ponds, I told him
that his mother was right, Donato Sarratore was wandering around the
neighborhood. He had stopped me in the street. He had asked me to tell Melina
that he would wait for her always, every day, at the entrance to the tunnel,
at midday. Antonio turned somber, he said, “What should I do?” I told him
that I would go with him to the appointment and that together we would give
Sarratore a candid speech about the state of his mother’s health.
整个晚上，我都担心得睡不着觉。第二天我们去了隧道。安东尼奥一声不吭，他不紧不慢地走着，我感觉到他心情沉重，他的脚步越来越慢。一方面，他非常愤怒；另一方面，他觉得非常不自在。我很生气地想：他可以为了他妹妹、为了莉拉挑战索拉拉兄弟，但现在他却变得羞怯，多纳托·萨拉托雷在他的眼里是个非常重要、充满威望的人物。我感觉到了他的羞怯，这让我更加充满决心，我真想摇撼着他，大声对他说：你没有写过书，但你要比那个男人好得多！但我只是挽着他的胳膊。
I was too worried to sleep that night.
The next day we went to the tunnel. Antonio was silent, he seemed in no
hurry, I felt he had a weight on him that was slowing him down. One part of
him was furious and the other subdued. I thought angrily, He was capable of
confronting the Solaras for his sister Ada, for Lila, but now he’s
intimidated, in his eyes Donato Sarratore is an important person, of a
certain standing. To feel him like that made me more determined, I would have
liked to shake him, shout at him: You haven’t written a book but you are much
better than that man. I merely took his arm.
萨拉托雷远远看到我们，想马上消失在黑暗的隧道之中。我叫住了他：“萨拉托雷先生。”
When Sarratore saw us from a distance he
tried to disappear quickly into the darkness of the tunnel. I called him:
“Signor Sarratore.”
他很不情愿地转过身来。
He turned reluctantly.
我用尊称对他说话，在我们当时的环境中，这不是非常普遍：“我不知道，您记不记得安东尼奥，他是梅丽娜太太的大儿子。”
Using the formal lei, something that at
the time was unusual in our world, I said, “I don’t know if you remember
Antonio, he is the oldest son of Signora Melina.”
萨拉托雷用一种佯装的声音，充满感情地说：“我当然记得了。你好，安东尼奥。”
Sarratore pulled out a bright, very
affectionate voice: “Of course I remember him, hello, Antonio.”
“他是我的男朋友。”
“He and I are together.”
“啊！很好。”
“Ah, good.”
“我们已经谈论了很久，现在让他跟您说。”
“And we’ve talked a lot—now he’ll explain
to you.”
安东尼奥明白，轮到他说话了，他的脸色非常苍白，神情很紧张。他用标准意大利语很艰难地说：“很高兴见到您，萨拉托雷先生。我无法忘记在我父亲死后，您为我家人所做的一切。我尤其感谢您，把我安排到格莱西奥先生的修车铺里，让我学会了一门手艺。”
Antonio understood that his moment had
arrived and, extremely pale and tense, he said, struggling to speak in
Italian, “I am very pleased to see you, Signor Sarratore, I haven’t
forgotten. I will always be grateful for what you did for us after the death
of my father. I thank you in particular for having found me a job in Signor
Gorresio’s shop. I owe it to you if I have learned a trade.”
“告诉他你母亲的事。”我很不耐烦地提醒他。
“Tell him about your mother,” I pressed
him, nervously.
他也很心烦，示意让我闭嘴。他接着说：“但您现在不住在这个小区，您不明白现在的情况。我母亲单是听到您的名字，就会发狂。假如她再看到您，即使是只有一次，就会进疯人院的。”
He was annoyed, and gestured at me to be
quiet. He continued, “However, you no longer live in the neighborhood and you
don’t understand the situation. My mother, if she merely hears your name,
loses her head. And if she sees you, if she sees you even one single time,
she’ll end up in the insane asylum.”
萨拉托雷有些不知所措：“安东尼奥，我的孩子，我从来都没有想过要伤害你的母亲。你也提到了，我多么关心你们。实际上，我只是想帮助她，还有你们全家。”
Sarratore gasped. “Antonio, my boy, I
never had any intention of doing harm to your mother. You justly recall how
much I did for you. And in fact I have always and only wanted to help her and
all of you.”
“那么，假如您要继续帮助她的话，就不要再找她了，不要给她寄书，不要让她在这个城区看到你。”
“Then if you wish to continue to help her
don’t look for her, don’t send her books, don’t show up in the neighborhood.”
“这一点，你不能要求我。你不能阻止我见到我眷恋的地方。”萨拉托雷用一种灼热的声音说，还带有一丝假惺惺的感动。
“This you cannot ask of me, you cannot
keep me from seeing again the places that are dear to me,” Sarratore said, in
a warm, falsely emotional voice.
那种语气让我很愤怒，我熟悉那种语气——在巴拉诺的时候，在玛隆蒂海滩的沙滩上，他经常运用那种语气，那是一种柔和、黏糊糊的语气。他觉得自己是一个有深度的男人，已经写了一本诗歌，在报纸上发表文章，他觉得自己该用那种语气。我正要插嘴，但让我惊异的是，安东尼奥抢先说了。他耸着肩膀，缩着脑袋，伸出一只手，用他有力的手指推了一下多纳托·萨拉托雷的胸口，用方言说：“我不会阻止您。但我向您保证，假如您让我母亲失去她仅存的理性，我会让您永远也不想再看到这个狗屎地方！”
That tone made me indignant. I knew it,
he had used it often at Barano, on the beach at the Maronti. It was rich,
caressing, the tone that he imagined a man of depth who wrote poems and
articles in Roma should have. I was on the point of intervening, but Antonio,
to my surprise, was ahead of me. He curved his shoulders, drew in his head,
and extended one hand toward the chest of Donato Sarratore, pressing it with
his powerful fingers. He said in dialect, “I won’t hinder you. But I promise
you that if you take away from my mother the little reason that she still
has, you will lose forever the desire to see these shitty places again.”
萨拉托雷变得非常苍白。
Sarratore turned very pale.
“好的，”他很匆忙地说，“我明白了，谢谢。”
“Yes,” he said quickly. “I understand,
thank you.”
他转身朝火车站方向快步走去。
He turned on his heels and hurried off
toward the station.
我挽住了安东尼奥的胳膊，为他做出的努力感到骄傲，但我发现他在颤抖。我想——也许是我第一次想到，从小到大，先是他父亲的死，接着是工作，母亲的崩溃之后落到他肩膀上的责任。我满怀爱意地把他拉走了，我给自己定了另一个期限——在莉拉结婚之后，我要和他分手，我对自己说。
I slipped in under Antonio’s arm, proud
of that burst of anger, but I realized that he was trembling. I thought,
perhaps for the first time, of what the death of his father must have been
for him, as a boy, and then the job, the responsibility that had fallen on
him, the collapse of his mother. I drew him away, full of affection, and gave
myself another deadline: I’ll leave him after Lila’s wedding.
51
那场婚礼让整个小区的人都记忆犹新。婚礼的筹备和“赛鲁罗”鞋漫长、细致、充满争执的诞生交织在一起，好像因为不同的缘故，这两件事情一直都很难完成。
The neighborhood remembered that wedding
for a long time. Its preparations were tangled up with the slow, elaborate,
rancorous birth of Cerullo shoes: two undertakings that, for one reason or
another, it seemed, would never come to fruition.
除此之外，这场婚礼对于鞋铺影响很大，费尔南多和里诺为赶制那些新鞋一直在埋头苦干，到那时为止，他们还没有任何经济收益。另外，他们还要忙于其他无数零碎的工作，那些可以马上收益的工作，因为他们急需钱用。他们要筹到一笔数目可观的钱，给莉拉准备嫁妆，此外还需要承担婚宴的费用。他们想尽一切办法，不想在这时候表现得过于寒酸，结果是好几个月里赛鲁罗家的气氛都很紧张。农齐亚日日夜夜都在绣床单，费尔南多一直在抱怨，唉声叹气，充满懊悔，说自己之前的时光是多么幸福，在他的小铺子里，他就是国王，嘴上叼着别针，不慌不忙地上胶、缝线，用榔头敲打。
The wedding put a strain on the
shoemaker’s shop. Fernando and Rino labored not only on the new shoes, which
for the moment brought in nothing, but also on the thousand other little jobs
that provided immediate income, which they needed urgently. They had to put
together enough money to provide Lila with a small dowry and to meet the
expenses of the refreshments, which they intended to take on, no matter what,
in order not to seem like poor relations. As a result, the Cerullo household
was extremely tense for months: Nunzia embroidered sheets night and day, and
Fernando made constant scenes, pining for the happy days when, in the tiny
shop where he was king, he glued, sewed, and hammered in peace, with the
tacks between his lips.
唯一幸福的是那对新人。他们之间只有两次小小的摩擦，第一次是关于他们未来的房子。斯特凡诺想在新小区买一套房子，莉拉更喜欢老楼里的房子。他们商量了一下，老城区的房子很大，但采光不好，视野也不好，这个城区的大部分房子都那样。新小区的房子小一点，但房子里有一个很大的浴缸，就像“棕榄”牌卫浴广告上面的一样，而且还有净身池，窗子对着维苏威火山。其实远远看去，在云雾缭绕的天空下，维苏威火山也只是一个黯淡的影子，距离房子两百米不到的地方，亮锃锃的铁轨上，火车来来往往。斯特凡诺着迷于新小区，房子里有光洁的地板，还有洁白的墙壁，莉拉很快做出了让步。不说其他了，她不到十七岁就会拥有一套自己的房子，水龙头会流出热水，房子不是租的，而是买的。
The only ones who seemed unruffled were
the engaged couple. There were just two small moments of friction between
them. The first had to do with their future home. Stefano wanted to buy a
small apartment in the new neighborhood, Lila would have preferred to live in
the old buildings. They argued. The apartment in the old neighborhood was
larger but dark and had no view, like all the apartments there. The apartment
in the new neighborhood was smaller but had an enormous bathtub, like the
ones in the Palmolive ad, a bidet, and a view of Vesuvius. It was useless to
point out that, while Vesuvius was a shifting and distant outline that faded
into the cloudy sky, less than two hundred yards away ran the gleaming tracks
of the railroad. Stefano was seduced by the new, by the shiny floors, by the
white walls, and Lila soon gave in. What counted more than anything else was
that, not yet seventeen, she would be the mistress of a house of her own,
with hot water that came from the taps, and a house not rented but owned.
第二次摩擦，缘起是关于蜜月旅行，斯特凡诺建议去威尼斯旅行，莉拉提出了一个她喜欢的路线，这对她后来的人生产生了重要影响，她从来不愿远离那不勒斯。她提出去伊斯基亚岛、卡普里岛逛逛，说阿玛菲海岸也可以，那都是她从来没去过的地方，她的未婚夫马上就答应了。
The second cause of friction was the
honeymoon. Stefano proposed Venice, and Lila, revealing a tendency that would
mark her whole life, insisted on not going far from Naples. She suggested a
stay on Ischia, Capri, and maybe the Amalfi coast, all places she had never
been. Her future husband almost immediately agreed.
其他都是些很小的问题，都是因为两人的家庭出身不同造成的。比如说，斯特凡诺去赛鲁罗家的作坊之后，结果总是这样：当他再见到莉拉时，会数落费尔南多和里诺几句，有时候话有些重，她会觉得难受、会袒护他们。他会无奈地摇摇头，他开始觉得在鞋子上投的钱过于多，那时还看不到回报。夏天快过去时，他和赛鲁罗父子的矛盾激化了，他给赛鲁罗父子还有几个学徒设了一个最后期限，说在十一月之前他要看到最初的结果，至少要看到冬天的鞋款，男款和女款都要在圣诞节前摆在橱窗里。最后，他自己也很烦躁，在莉拉面前忍不住会说里诺只会要钱，却没想着干活。莉拉捍卫哥哥，结果斯特凡诺反驳了她，最后莉拉发火了，斯特凡诺又马上做出让步。他把最初做的那双鞋子拿出来，那双他买来后从未穿过的鞋子，那是他们的爱情故事中一个非常珍贵的信物。他抚摸着那双鞋子，用鼻子嗅着，非常感动地说，通过这双鞋子他能感觉到，能看到莉拉那双小姑娘的手和她哥哥一起劳作的情景。那时候，他们站在老房子的天台上，就是他们和索拉拉兄弟比赛放烟花的地方。他拉过她的手，一根手指一根手指地吻着，他说他再也不会允许这双手再干粗活。
Otherwise, there were small tensions,
more than anything echoes of problems within their families. For example, if
Stefano went into the Cerullo shoe shop, he always let slip a few rude words
about Fernando and Rino when he saw Lila later, and she was upset, she leaped
to their defense. He shook his head, unpersuaded, he was beginning to see in
the business of the shoes an excessive investment, and at the end of the
summer, when the strain between him and the two Cerullos increased, he
imposed a precise limit on the making and unmaking by father, son, helpers.
He said that by November he wanted the first results: at least the winter
styles, men’s and women’s, ready to be displayed in the window for Christmas.
Then, rather nervously, he admitted to Lila that Rino was quicker to ask for
money than to work. She defended her brother, he replied, she bristled, he
immediately retreated. He went to get the pair of shoes that had given birth
to the whole project, shoes bought and never worn, kept as a valuable witness
to their story, and he fingered them, smelled them, became emotional talking
of how he felt about them, saw them, had always seen in them her small,
almost childish hands working alongside her brother’s large ones. They were
on the terrace of the old house, the one where we had set off the fireworks
in competition with the Solaras. He took her fingers and kissed them, one by
one, saying that he would never again allow them to be spoiled.
把斯特凡诺示爱的一幕讲给我听时，莉拉很愉快，这些是她带我到他们新家参观时对我说的。那套房子真的很棒：瓷砖地板熠熠生辉，浴缸可以洗泡泡浴，餐厅和卧室都放着木雕家具，甚至还有冰箱和电话。我很激动地记下了她的电话号码。我们都出生和生长在很小的房子里，没有自己的房间，甚至没有学习的地方。我到现在还生活在自己出生的小房子里，而她却不是这样。我们来到了阳台上，阳台对着铁路和维苏威火山。我小心翼翼地问她：
Lila herself told me, happily, about that
act of love. She told me the day she took me to see the new house. What
splendor: floors of polished majolica tile, the tub in which you could have a
bubble bath, the inlaid furniture in the dining room and the bedroom, a
refrigerator and even a telephone. I wrote down the number, with great
excitement. We had been born and lived in small houses, without our own
rooms, without a place to study. I still lived like that, soon she would not.
We went out on the balcony that overlooked the railroad and Vesuvius, and I
asked her warily:
“你会和斯特凡诺单独来这里吗？”
“Do you and Stefano come here by
yourselves?”
“有时候会。”
“Yes, sometimes.”
“会发生什么事儿？”
“And what happens?”
她看着我，就好像不明白我的话。
She looked at me as if she didn’t
understand.
“你说的是什么意思？”
“In what sense?”
我觉得有些尴尬。
I was embarrassed.
“你们接吻吗？”
“Do you kiss?”
“有时候会。”
“Sometimes.”
“然后呢？”
“And then?”
“没有然后，我们还没结婚呢。”
“That’s all, we’re not married yet.”
我觉得有些混乱：他们享受了那么多自由，但其实什么也没有发生，这怎么可能？整个小区有很多关于她流言蜚语，还有索拉拉兄弟披露的猥亵事，但他们只是接过吻？
I was confused. Was it possible? So much
freedom and nothing? So much gossip in the neighborhood, the Solaras’
obscenities, and there had been only a few kisses?
“他不要求你吗？”
“But he doesn’t ask you?”
“为什么呢，安东尼奥要求你了？”
“Why, does Antonio ask you?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“他不要求我。我们说好了，首先得结婚。”
“No, he doesn’t. He agrees that we should
be married first.”
我的提问让她觉得很意外，像她的回答让我觉得意外一样。因此她什么都没给斯特凡诺，尽管他们单独开车出去，尽管他们马上就要结婚、已经有一套装修好了的房子了，他们床上的床垫还没有拆封。而我呢，结婚的事提都没提过，而我的体验早已经不只是接吻了。她问我——纯粹是出于好奇——我有没有给安东尼奥他要的东西，我不好意思告诉她事实，就说没有。对于这个回答，她看起来好像很高兴。
But she seemed struck by my questions,
much as I was struck by her answers. So she yielded nothing to Stefano, even
if they went out in the car by themselves, even if they were about to get
married, even if they already had a furnished house, a bed with a mattress,
still in its packing. And I, who certainly would not get married, had long
ago gone beyond kissing. When she asked me, genuinely curious, if I gave
Antonio the things he asked for, I was ashamed to tell her the truth. I said
no and she seemed content.
52
我在池塘边的约会变得不再那么频繁，因为快开学了。我要上课，做作业，我确信莉拉会把我排除在婚礼准备工作之外，她已经习惯开学后我会消失一段时间。但这次却不同，莉拉和皮诺奇娅之间的关系更加紧张了，不仅仅是衣服、帽子、丝巾或者首饰的问题了。有一次，皮诺奇娅当着莉拉的面，非常明确地对她哥哥说，他未来的妻子要在肉食店里工作，如果不能马上开始，那就在蜜月旅行之后开始，她应该和全家人一样干活，就像阿方索那样，每次学校一放假阿方索都会在店里帮忙。假如他未婚妻不工作，那她也不工作了。皮诺奇娅的母亲这次公然支持自己的女儿。
I made the dates at the ponds less
frequent, partly because school was about to start again. I was sure that
Lila, because of my classes, my homework, would keep me out of the wedding
preparations, she had got used to my disappearance during the school year.
But it wasn’t to be. The conflicts with Pinuccia had intensified over the
summer. It was no longer a matter of dresses or hats or scarves or jewelry.
One day Pinuccia said to her brother, in Lila’s presence and unambiguously,
that either his betrothed came to work in the grocery, if not immediately
then at least after the honeymoon—to work as the whole family always had, as
even Alfonso did whenever school allowed him to—or she would stop working.
And this time her mother supported her outright.
莉拉眼睛都没眨一下，说她马上开始工作都行，卡拉奇家人要她干什么，她第二天就可以开始干。这个回答就像莉拉之前的说话方式，尽管她努力采用温和平静的语气，但还是透露出一种不容侵犯和对挑衅者的鄙夷，这更加激怒了皮诺奇娅。很明显，在那对母女俩眼里，鞋匠的女儿是个妖精，来她们家里做主子，赚钱的事她不会动一根手指，但花钱却如流水，她让家里的男人鬼迷心窍，让他对自己血脉相连的家人——他的亲妹妹，甚至母亲做出不公正的事情。
Lila didn’t blink, she said she would
start immediately, even tomorrow, in whatever role the Carracci family
wanted. That answer, as Lila’s answers always were, always had been, though
intended to be conciliatory, had something arrogant, scornful, about it,
which made Pinuccia even angrier. It became clear that the two women saw the
shoemaker’s daughter as a witch who had come to be the mistress, to throw
money out the window without lifting a finger to earn it, to subdue the
master by her arts, making him act unjustly against his own flesh and blood,
that is to say against his sister and even his mother.
斯特凡诺还是之前的态度，没有马上做出回答，他等着妹妹发泄完了，最后就好像莉拉的问题，还有她在这个小小的家庭企业中的角色问题从来没有出现过。他平静地说，与其让皮诺奇娅在肉食店工作，还不如帮他未婚妻筹备婚礼。
Stefano, as usual, did not respond
immediately. He waited until his sister’s outburst was over, then, as if the
problem of Lila and her placement in the small family business had never been
raised, said calmly that it would be better if Pinuccia, rather than work in
the grocery, would help his fiancée with the preparations for the wedding.
“这里不再需要我了吗？”妹妹马上问。
“You don’t need me anymore?” she snapped.
“不需要了。从明天开始，我让梅丽娜的女儿艾达来接替你的工作。”
“No: starting tomorrow I have Ada,
Melina’s daughter, coming to replace you.”
“是她建议的吧？”皮诺奇娅指着莉拉大声问。
“Did she suggest it?” cried his sister,
pointing to Lila.
“那不关你的事。”
“It’s none of your business.”
“你听到了吗？妈，你听到他说什么了吗？他觉得自己是这里的主人，唯一的主人！”
“Did you hear that, Ma? Did you hear what
he said? He thinks he’s the absolute boss in here.”
接下来是一阵让人无法忍受的沉默，最后玛丽亚从收银台后的凳子上站起来，对儿子说：“你也找人顶替我的位子吧，我累了，不想再辛苦工作了。”
There was an unbearable silence, then
Maria got up from the seat behind the cash register and said to her son,
“Find someone for this place, too, because I’m tired and I don’t want to work
anymore.”
这时候，斯特凡诺做出了让步，他慢慢说：“我们静一静，我不是主人。事实上，这家肉食店不是我一个人的事儿，而是牵扯到我们所有人，我们需要做个决定。皮诺奇娅，你需要工作吗？不需要。妈妈，您需要每天都坐在收银台后面吗？不需要。那我们就让那些需要工作的人来干。在柜台那里，我让艾达来做，收银台那里，我要想想。要不然，谁来准备婚礼的事情呢？”
Stefano at that point yielded a little.
“Calm down, I’m not the boss of anything, the business of the grocery doesn’t
have to do with me alone but all of us. We have to make a decision. Pinù, do
you need to work? No. Mammà, do you need to sit back there all day? No. Then
let’s give work to those who need it. I’ll put Ada behind the counter and
I’ll think about the cash register. Otherwise, who will take care of the
wedding?”
我不是很清楚，也不是很确信，把皮诺奇娅和她母亲从肉食店的日常工作中排挤出去，还有招聘艾达的背后，莉拉有没有插手（艾达对此非常确信，安东尼奥也很确信，他提到莉拉时就好像她是一个好心的仙女）。我可以肯定的是，莉拉的小姑子和婆婆现在有大量时间可以投身于她的婚礼，这并不是一件让她愉快的事情。这两个女人让她的生活更加复杂，每件细小的事情都会造成矛盾：邀请的宾客、教堂装修、摄影师、乐队、接待餐厅、菜单、蛋糕、喜糖、戒指，甚至是蜜月旅行——皮诺奇娅和玛丽亚认为去索伦托、波西塔诺、伊斯基亚和卡普里岛太近了。就这样，我忽然就被扯进了这种复杂的关系中，表面上是给莉拉提一些建议，实际上是帮助她进行一场艰难的斗争。
I don’t know for sure if Lila was behind
the expulsion of Pinuccia and her mother from the daily running of the
grocery, behind the hiring of Ada (certainly Ada was convinced of it and so,
especially, was Antonio, who began referring to our friend as a good fairy).
Of course, she wasn’t pleased that her sisterlaw and motherlaw had a lot of
free time to devote to her wedding. The two women complicated life, there
were conflicts about every little thing: the guests, the decoration of the
church, the photographer, the cake, the wedding favors, the rings, even the
honeymoon, since Pinuccia and Maria considered it a poor thing to go to
Sorrento, Positano, Ischia, and Capri. So all of a sudden I was drawn in,
apparently to give Lila an opinion on this or that, in reality to support her
in a difficult battle.
我刚开学，有很多很难的新课程要学。我采用通常那种埋头苦学的方式，这让我精疲力竭，我一直都很顽强地坚持着。然而我一从学校回去，我的朋友就会提出一些让我很为难的要求：
I was starting my third year of high school, I had a lot of new, hard subjects. My usual stubborn diligence was already killing me, I studied relentlessly. But once, coming home from school, I ran into Lila and she said to me, point-blank,
“拜托了，莱诺，明天你来给我当参谋好吗？”
“Please, Lenù, tomorrow will you come and
give me some advice?”
我都不知道她说的是什么事。上化学课时，我被老师提问了，我回答得不怎么样，心里正难受着。
I didn’t even know what she meant. I had
been tested in chemistry and hadn’t done well, and was suffering.
“当什么参谋？”
“Advice about what?”
“选婚纱。求求你了，别拒绝我，因为你不来的话，我可能会杀了我的小姑子还有婆婆。”
“Advice about my wedding dress. Please,
don’t say no, because if you don’t come I’ll murder my sisterlaw and
motherlaw.”
我最后去了。我站在莉拉那边，这让皮诺奇娅和玛丽亚很不自在。婚纱店在雷蒂费洛区，我记得我还往包里塞了几本书，希望有机会看一眼，但根本就没可能。从下午四点到晚上七点，我们看了很多图样，抚摸那些布料，莉拉试穿了展示在橱窗里模特身上的婚纱，那些衣服加增了她的美貌。她穿透明硬纱很美，穿着软缎子，或者绢网婚纱也很美；身子是蕾丝的，袖子是皱泡的样式，她穿着很合身；无论是宽裙摆，还是窄裙摆在她身上都很好看；无论是长拖裾还是短拖裾她穿都很合身；波纹面纱，还有那种简洁的面纱，戴在她头上同样漂亮；头上的花冠，那种带珍珠的、橙子花的，或者是镶彩色玻璃的，她戴着同样好看。另外，她还很听话，她仔细地看着那些图样，试穿模特身上那些看起来很好看的婚纱。但有时候，她实在受不了两个未来的家人过分挑剔的态度。有一次，莉拉开始反抗，她盯着我的眼睛，用嘲讽的语气说：“我们试一试绿色缎子，或者红色硬纱，要么试试这件漂亮的黑色绢网，或者黄色的？”这让她的小姑子和婆婆很惊恐。我笑了一下，想告诉她们新娘是在开玩笑。最后她们又开始面带怨恨，仔细地研究起婚纱的面料和样式来。裁缝在一边一直兴高采烈地说：“拜托了，无论你们选什么，都要给我带来一张你们结婚的照片，我要展示在橱窗里，这样我就可以说：这个姑娘的婚纱是我做的。”
I went. I joined her, Pinuccia, and Maria
uneasily. The shop was on the Rettifilo and I remember I had stuck some books
in a bag, hoping to find some way of studying. It was impossible. From four
in the afternoon to seven in the evening we looked at styles, we fingered
fabrics, Lila tried on the wedding dresses displayed on the shop mannequins.
Whatever she put on, her beauty enhanced the dress, the dress enhanced her
beauty. Stiff organza, soft satin, airy tulle became her. A lace bodice, puff
sleeves became her. A full skirt and a narrow skirt became her, a long train
and a short one, a flowing veil and a short one, a crown of rhinestones, of
pearls, of orange blossoms. And she, obediently, examined styles or tried on
the models that were flattering on the mannequins. But occasionally, when she
could no longer bear the fussiness of her future relatives, the old Lila rose
up and, looking me straight in the eye, said, alarming motherlaw, sisterlaw,
“What if we chose a beautiful green satin, or a red organza, or a nice black
tulle, or, better still, yellow?” It took my laughter to indicate that the
bride was joking, to return to serious, rancorous consideration of fabrics
and styles. The dressmaker merely kept repeating enthusiastically, “Please,
whatever you choose, bring me the wedding pictures so that I can display them
in the shop window, and say: I dressed that girl.”
问题是要选出一件婚纱。莉拉每次倾向于一个式样、一种布料，皮诺奇娅和玛丽亚会联合起来，提出另一个样式、另一种布料更好。我一直默不作声，一方面是因为她们的讨论让我晕头转向；另一方面，那些新布料的味道也熏得我头晕。最后，莉拉皱着眉头问我：
The problem, however, was choosing. Every
time Lila preferred a style, a fabric, Pinuccia and Maria lined up in favor
of another style, another fabric. I said nothing, stunned by all those
discussions and by the smell of new fabric. Finally Lila asked me in
vexation:
“你怎么看？莱诺。”
“What do you think, Lenù?”
大家都不说话了。我马上惊异地感觉到，那两个女人在等着这个时刻，那是她们害怕的时刻。我把我从学校学到的修辞技艺运用到了这里，办法就是：每一次当你不知道怎么回答问题时，你要在前言部分长篇大论，要用一种非常确信的声音分析问题，就好像自己知道结论一样。我开始说——用普通话——我非常喜欢皮诺奇娅和她母亲选中的款式，我没有直接赞美那些款式有多美，只是分析那些款式多么适合莉拉的身材。在我陈述这些时，就好像在课堂上对着老师说话，我感觉母女二人开始对我充满好感和认可。我随便选了一个款式，真的是很随便地拿了一件，但避免拿到莉拉看中的款式。然后，我很简单地向她们展示，我手上拿的这个款式，既有母女俩选中的那些款式的优点，也有我的朋友莉拉看中的款式的优点。这时候，裁缝和那对母女俩都赞同我的看法，莉拉只是眯着眼睛，看了我一眼，然后又恢复到之前的神情，说她也同意我的看法。
There was silence. I suddenly perceived,
with a certain astonishment, that the two women had been expecting that
moment and feared it. I set in motion a technique I had learned at school,
which consisted of this: whenever I didn’t know how to answer a question, I
was lavish in setting out premises in the confident voice of someone who
knows clearly where he wishes to end up. I said first—in Italian—that I liked
very much the styles favored by Pinuccia and her mother. I launched not into
praise but into arguments that demonstrated how suitable they were to Lila’s
figure. At the moment when, as in class with the teachers, I felt I had the
admiration, the sympathy of mother and daughter, I chose one of the styles at
random, truly at random, careful not to pick one of those that Lila favored,
and went on to demonstrate that it incorporated the qualities of the styles
favored by the two women, and the qualities of the ones favored by my friend.
The dressmaker, Pinuccia, the mother were immediately in agreement with me.
Lila merely looked at me with narrowed eyes. Then her gaze returned to normal
and she said that she agreed, too.
从婚纱店里出来，皮诺奇娅和玛丽亚心情都很好，她们言谈中几乎对莉拉充满感情。她们评论买到的婚纱，不断提到我说的话，比如说：就像莱农奇娅说的，或者说：莱农奇娅也是这么说的。莉拉磨蹭了一下，走在了她们后面，在雷蒂费洛区夜晚出来的人群里，她问我：
On the way out both Pinuccia and Maria
were in a very good mood. They addressed Lila almost with affection and,
commenting on the purchase, kept dragging me in with phrases like: as
Lenuccia said, or, Lenuccia rightly said. Lila maneuvered so that we were a
little behind them, in the evening crowd of the Rettifilo. She asked me:
“你是在学校学的吧？”
“You learn this in school?”
“什么？”
“What?”
“用语言捉弄人。”
“To use words to con people.”
我觉得很伤心，就低声说：“你不喜欢我们选中的款式吗？”
I felt wounded. I murmured, “You don’t
like the style we chose?”
“我非常喜欢。”
“I like it immensely.”
“然后呢？”
“So?”
“你要帮我个忙，每次我叫你的时候，你要和我们一起出去。”
“So do me the favor of coming with us
whenever I ask you.”
我很生气，就说：“你想利用我捉弄别人吗？”
I was angry. I said, “You want to use me
to con them?”
她明白我生气了，紧紧地握住了我的手说：“我不该说刚才那句话。我只是想说，你很擅长招人喜爱，这就是我们俩从小的差别。人们都很害怕我，却不害怕你。”
She understood that she had offended me,
she squeezed my hand hard. “I didn’t intend to say something unkind. I meant
only that you are good at making yourself liked. The difference between you
and me, always, has been that people are afraid of me and not of you.”
“可能是因为你很坏。”我更加生气地说。
“Maybe because you’re mean,” I said, even
angrier.
“有可能。”她回答说，我感到自己伤害了她，就像她伤害了我一样。我马上后悔了，说了一句挽救的话：“为了你，安东尼奥都肯舍命，他说感谢你帮他妹妹谋到职位。”
“Maybe,” she said, and I saw that I had
hurt her as she had hurt me. Then, repenting, I added immediately, to make
up: “Antonio would get himself killed for you: he said to thank you for
giving his sister a job.”
“是斯特凡诺给艾达安排的工作，”她回答说，“我是个坏人。”
“It’s Stefano who gave the job to Ada,”
she replied. “I’m mean.”
53
从那时起，我总是被叫去加入类似这样的棘手选择。我发现，叫我去的不是莉拉，而是皮诺奇娅和她母亲。实际上，是我选的喜糖，是我选的贺拉斯路上的餐厅和摄影师，我还说服她们在照相环节之外，还增加一段录像。无论在哪种情况下，我都意识到，对于其中任何一件事，我都充满激情，就好像我做的这些事都是为我以后结婚积累经验。在结婚这件事上，莉拉用的心思很少，这让我非常惊异，但事情的确如此。她最专注的事情是：一次性确立她未来的生活，她想作为一个妻子和母亲生活在自己家里，让小姑子和婆婆插不上嘴。但那不是通常的那种婆婆、媳妇和小姑的矛盾。我有一种感觉，她通过利用我、通过对斯特凡诺的操纵，试图在她所处的牢笼内寻找一条出路，但那时候还没有找到。
From then on, I was constantly called on
to take part in the most disputed decisions, and sometimes—I discovered—not
at Lila’s request but Pinuccia and her mother’s. I chose the favors. I chose
the restaurant, in Via Orazio. I chose the photographer, persuading them to
include a film in super 8. In every circumstance I realized that, while I was
deeply interested in everything, as if each of those questions were practice
for when my turn came to get married, Lila, at the stations of her wedding,
paid little attention. I was surprised, but that was certainly the case. What
truly engaged her was to make sure, once and for all, that in her future life
as wife and mother, in her house, her sisterlaw and her motherlaw would have
no say. But it wasn’t the ordinary conflict between motherlaw, daughterlaw,
sisterlaw. I had the impression, from the way she used me, from the way she
handled Stefano, that she was struggling to find, from inside the cage in
which she was enclosed, a way of being, all her own, that was still obscure
to her.
很自然，我用整个下午的时间来解决她们的问题。我学习的时间变得很少，有两次甚至没去学校，结果是我第一个学期的成绩不怎么样。我的拉丁语和希腊语老师是备受崇敬的加利亚尼老师，她对我珍爱有加。我的哲学、化学和数学成绩都勉强及格。有天早上，我还卷入了一场麻烦：我们的宗教老师一直猛烈地攻击Communists，批评无神主义，我感觉有必要做出回应。我不知道，这是不是出于对帕斯卡莱的情感，因为他一直申明自己是Communists，或者是我感觉到神父说的那些关于Communists的罪恶都和我相关，他的箭头还对准了加利亚尼老师——一个典型的Communists。这时候我举起了手，我说自己上过一期函授神学课，很明显人类还处于一种盲目和随遇而安的状态中，他们把自己托付给上帝、耶稣，或者圣灵——最后这个存在根本是多余的，只是为了构成三位一体，圣灵反倒要比圣父、圣子更高一等——就相当于整个城市被地狱之火燃烧时，我们还在收集和崇拜画像。阿方索马上意识到我说得太多了，他很羞怯地拉了一下我的罩衫，我没管他，要把话说完，一直说到最后的总结。就这样，我第一次被老师赶出了教室，在课堂表现的记录本上，我被记了一笔。
Naturally I wasted entire afternoons
settling their affairs, I didn’t study much, and a couple of times ended up
not even going to school. The result was that my report card for the first
trimester was not especially brilliant. My new teacher of Latin and Greek,
the greatly respected Galiani, had a high opinion of me, but in philosophy,
chemistry, and mathematics I barely passed. Then one morning I got into
serious trouble. Since the religion teacher was constantly delivering tirades
against the Communists, against their atheism, I felt impelled to react, I
don’t really know if by my affection for Pasquale, who had always said he was
a Communist, or simply because I felt that all the bad things the priest said
about Communists concerned me directly as the pet of the most prominent
Communist, Professor Galiani. The fact remains that I, who had successfully
completed a theological correspondence course, raised my hand and said that
the human condition was so obviously exposed to the blind fury of chance that
to trust in a God, a Jesus, the Holy Spirit—this last a completely
superfluous entity, it was there only to make up a trinity, notoriously
nobler than the mere binomial father-son—was the same thing as collecting
trading cards while the city burns in the fires of hell. Alfonso had
immediately realized that I was overdoing it and timidly tugged on my smock,
but I paid no attention and went all the way, to that concluding comparison.
For the first time I was sent out of the classroom and had a demerit on my
class record.
我来到走廊上，刚开始我觉得很迷惘：发生了什么？为什么我要表现得那么冒失？从哪里来的绝对信念，让我确信我说的都是对的，值得一说？最后，我想起来这番话我和莉拉说过，我意识到自己闯了这样的祸，是因为我觉得她的观点很权威，能给予我足够的力量来挑战宗教老师。莉拉不再看书、不再学习，她正要成为肉食店老板的妻子，可能很快就会替代斯特凡诺的母亲，坐在收银台后面。而我呢？我从她身上获取了能量，想出了这样一个意象：把宗教描述成一系列人物图像的收藏，而整个城市都被地狱之火焚烧？因此，学校是我一个人的事情，已经远离了她的影响，这不是真的！我在教室门口，想着这些，默默地流着眼泪。
Once I was in the hall, I was disoriented
at first—what had happened, why had I behaved so recklessly, where had I
gotten the absolute conviction that the things I was saying were right and
should be said?—and then I remembered that I had had those conversations with
Lila, and saw that I had landed myself in trouble because, in spite of
everything, I continued to assign her an authority that made me bold enough
to challenge the religion teacher. Lila no longer opened a book, no longer
went to school, was about to become the wife of a grocer, would probably end
up at the cash register in place of Stefano’s mother, and I? I had drawn from
her the energy to invent an image that defined religion as the collecting of
trading cards while the city burns in the fires of hell? Was it not true,
then, that school was my personal wealth, now far from her influence? I wept
silently outside the classroom door.
事情忽然发生了变化，尼诺·萨拉托雷出现在走廊尽头。在城区遇到他父亲之后，我更加表现得好像他不存在一样，但在这紧急关头遇到他，我又振奋起来，急忙擦干眼泪。他应该发现了我的异样，就朝着我走来。他更高了，喉结很突兀，脸上棱角分明，已经开始长出细细的胡须，他的目光更加坚定。这次我没办法躲开他了，我不能进教室，也不能走向厕所，这两种做法都会使我的处境更加复杂——如果宗教老师探出头来检查的话。我只能待在那里，他在我面前停下，问我为什么会在外面、发生了什么。我告诉了他原委，他眉头皱了起来，对我说：“我很快回来。”几分钟后，他就和加利亚尼老师一起出现了。
But things changed unexpectedly. Nino
Sarratore appeared at the end of the hall. After the new encounter with his
father, I had all the more reason to behave as if he didn’t exist, but seeing
him in that situation revived me, I quickly dried my tears. He must have
realized that something was wrong, and he came toward me. He was more
grown-up: he had a prominent Adam’s apple, features hollowed out by a bluish
beard, a firmer gaze. It was impossible to avoid him. I couldn’t go back into
the class, I couldn’t go to the bathroom, either of which would have made my
situation more complicated if the religion teacher looked out. So when he
joined me and asked why I was outside, what had happened, I told him. He
frowned and said, “I’ll be right back.” He disappeared and reappeared a few
minutes later with Professor Galiani.
加利亚尼老师表扬了我。“但现在，”她这么说时，就好像在对我和尼诺上课，“在进攻之后，我们需要进行补救。”她敲了敲我上课的教室门，进去之后关上门，五分钟之后，她满脸笑容地出现了。我可以进教室了，条件是我要向老师道歉，因为我当时说话的语气太专横了。向老师道歉时，我心里有些悲喜交加：一方面很忐忑，因为宗教老师可能会再惩罚我；另一方面我觉得很骄傲，因为尼诺和加利亚尼老师在支持我。
Galiani was full of praise. “But now,”
she said, as if she were giving me and Nino a lesson, “after the full attack,
it’s time to mediate.” She knocked on the door of the classroom, closed it
behind her, and five minutes later looked out happily. I could go back
provided I apologized to the professor for the aggressive tone I had used. I
apologized, wavering between anxiety about probable reprisals and pride in
the support I had received from Nino and from Professor Galiani.
我很小心，没有把发生的事情告诉我父母，但我把这件事一五一十地告诉了安东尼奥，他很骄傲地把这件事告诉了帕斯卡莱。有天早上，帕斯卡莱遇到了莉拉——他依然深爱着她，当时他无法抑制自己的激情，不知道该对她说些什么，就像救命的稻草一样抓住我的事情对莉拉讲了。就这样，一眨眼的工夫，我成了朋友中间的英雄，不仅仅是我周围少数几个朋友，还包括一群斗志昂扬的老师和学生，他们联合起来，反对宗教老师的说教。这时候我意识到，对神父道歉还不够，我要从他身上，以及其他和他看法一样的老师那里获得信任。我把自己说的话和我这个人毫不费力地分开了：我对那些对我充满敌意的老师表现出合作、尊敬、勤恳和乐于效劳的态度，他们很快就原谅了我那些奇怪的观点，认为我是一位可造之才。这样，我发现我能和加利亚尼老师一样坦然：我能坚定地表达自己的观点，同时通过无可非议的做法获取所有人的尊敬。在短短几天里，我觉得我和尼诺·萨拉托雷——他当时已经上高中五年级7了，那年要参加毕业考试——一起成为了这所破烂高中的两个最有前途的学生。
I was careful not to say anything to my
parents, but I told Antonio everything, and he proudly reported the incident
to Pasquale, who ran into Lila one morning and, so overcome by his love for
her that he could barely speak, seized on my adventure like a life vest, and
told her about it. Thus I became, in the blink of an eye, the heroine both of
my old friends and of the small but seasoned group of teachers and students
who challenged the lectures of the teacher of religion. Meanwhile, aware that
my apologies to the priest were not enough, I made an effort to regain credit
with him and with his like-minded colleagues. I easily separated my words
from myself: toward all the teachers who had become hostile to me I was
respectful, helpful, cooperative, so that they went back to thinking of me as
a person who came out with odd, but forgivable, assertions. I thus discovered
that I was able to behave like Professor Galiani: present my opinions firmly
and, at the same time, soften them, and regain respect, through my
irreproachable behavior. Within a few days it seemed to me that I had
returned, along with Nino Sarratore, who was in his fifth year and would
graduate, to the top of the list of the most promising students in our shabby
high school.
事情并没有就此结束。几个星期之后，尼诺见到我，他开门见山，用他特有的阴郁语气让我尽快写半页材料，简述一下我和神父之间的冲突。
It didn’t end there. A few weeks later,
unexpectedly, Nino, with his shadowy look, asked me if I could quickly write
half a page recounting the conflict with the priest.
“干什么用呢？”
“To do what with?”
他对我说，他正在编辑一本叫《那不勒斯：穷人的旅馆》的小杂志。他在编辑部里谈到了这件事，几个编辑对他说，如果能写一段简述，那他们可以试着编入下期的杂志。他给我看了一眼那本杂志，那是一本大约五十多页的小册子，封面是暗灰色的，目录里有他的名字，还有他的一篇文章，标题是《悲惨的数据》。这时候，我想到了他父亲在玛隆蒂海滩上带着那种心满意足、得意洋洋的神情，朗读那篇刊登在报纸上的文章时的情景。
He told me that he wrote for a little
journal called Naples, Home of the Poor. He had described the incident to the
editors and they had said that if I could write an account in time they would
try to put it in the next issue. He showed me the journal. It was a pamphlet
of fifty pages, of a dirty gray. In the contents he appeared, first name and
last name, with an article entitled “The Numbers of Poverty.” I thought of
his father, and the satisfaction, the vanity with which he had read to me at
the Maronti the article he’d published in Roma.
“你也写诗吗？”我问他。
“Do you also write poetry?” I asked.
他满脸鄙夷地否认了。我马上答应了他：“好吧，我试试。”
He denied it with such disgusted energy
that I immediately promised: “All right, I’ll try.”
我非常激动地回到家里，感觉脑海里全是要写的句子，在路上，我很详细地对阿方索说了我的想法。他为我感到不安，再三叮嘱我什么也别写。
I went home in great agitation. My head
was already churning with the sentences I would write, and on the way I
talked about it in great detail to Alfonso. He became anxious for me, he
begged me not to write anything.
“他们会写上你的名字吗？”
“Will they sign it with your name?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“莱诺，神父会生气的，会让你考试不及格的，他会让化学老师和数学老师和他站在同一条战线上。”
“Lenù, the priest will get angry again
and fail you: he’ll get chemistry and mathematics on his side.”
他的焦虑传染到我身上，我失去了信心。但我们一分开，我一想到我的小文章很快就会出现在一份杂志上，印着我的名字，我可以向莉拉、我父母，还有奥利维耶罗老师和费拉罗老师展示，我还是决定把文章写出来，写完后我会进行弥补。对于我来说，能获得那些我欣赏的人（加利亚尼老师、尼诺）的掌声，这真让人振奋。我要和他们联合起来，反对那些落伍的人（神父、化学老师和数学老师），但在对手的眼里，我也要好好表现，来获取他们的欣赏和尊重。我要在文章发表之后，再一次进行弥补。
He transmitted his anxiety to me and I
lost confidence. But, as soon as we separated, the idea of being able to show
the journal, with my little article, my name in print, to Lila, to my
parents, to Maestra Oliviero, to Maestro Ferraro, got the upper hand. I would
mend things later. It had been very energizing to win praise from those who
seemed to me better (Professor Galiani, Nino) taking sides against those who
seemed to me worse (the priest, the chemistry teacher, the mathematics
teacher), and yet to behave toward the adversaries in such a way as not to
lose their friendship and respect. I would make an effort to repeat this when
the article was published.
整个下午，我都在写那篇文章。我找到了一些非常简洁、充满内涵的句子，尽量表明自己的立场，说得有理有据、充满尊严，还用了很多很生僻的词汇。我写道：“假如上帝无所不在，那他为什么还需要通过圣灵来传播呢？”但半页纸很快就写满了，我只写完引言部分，其他内容怎么办呢？我又重新写，放慢节奏，从最基本的东西写起，埋头尝试了几遍，最后的结果基本令人满意。我就去预习第二天的课程了。
I spent the afternoon writing and
rewriting. I found concise, dense sentences. I tried to give my position the
maximum theoretical weight by finding difficult words. I wrote, “If God is
present everywhere, what need does he have to disseminate himself by way of
the Holy Spirit?” But the half page was soon used up, merely in the premise.
And the rest? I started again. And since I had been trained since elementary
school to try and stubbornly keep trying, in the end I got a creditable
result and turned to my lessons for the next day.
但不到半个小时，我又产生了一些怀疑，我感觉自己需要别人的肯定，谁能帮我看看我写的文章，并提出自己的看法呢？我母亲？我的几个弟弟？安东尼奥？他们当然不行，唯一的人选是莉拉。但是，我去找她就意味着承认她的权威，实际上，我现在才是那个有学问的人。
But half an hour later my doubts returned, I felt the need for confirmation. Who could I ask to read my text and give an opinion? My mother? My brothers? Antonio? Naturally not, the only one was Lila. But to turn to her meant to continue to recognize in her an authority, when in fact I, by now, knew more than she did.
开始，我很不情愿去找她。我害怕她看到我写的那半页纸，短短几句就把我打发了。我更害怕的是，她只言片语就会改变我的想法，使我的思想走极端，打破我写的那半页纸里的平衡。最后，我还是跑去找她，希望能找到她。她在她父母的家里，我跟她说了尼诺的事情，把笔记本递给了她。
So I resisted. I was afraid
that she would dismiss my half page with a disparaging remark. I was even
more afraid that that remark would nevertheless work in my mind, pushing me
to extreme thoughts that I would end up transcribing onto my half page, throwing
off its equilibrium. And yet finally I gave in and went to look for her. She
was at her parents’ house. I told her about Nino’s proposal and gave her the
notebook.
她很不情愿地看着那页纸，就好像上面的文字会伤她的眼睛。像阿方索一样，她问我：“他们会写上你的名字吗？”
She looked at the page unwillingly, as if
the writing wounded her eyes. Exactly like Alfonso, she asked, “Will they put
your name on it?”
我点了点头。
I nodded yes.
“写上埃莱娜·格雷科？”
“Elena Greco?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
她把笔记本递给我。“我没办法对你说是好，还是不好。”
She held out the notebook: “I’m not
capable of telling you if it’s good or not.”
“求求你了。”
“Please.”
“别这样，我没这能力。”
“No, I’m not capable.”
我不得不再三坚持。我对她说——尽管我心里清楚这不是实话——我说，假如她不喜欢，假如她拒绝读这篇文章，我不会把它交给尼诺去付印的。
I had to insist. I said, though I knew it
wasn’t true, that if she didn’t like it, if in fact she refused to read it, I
wouldn’t give it to Nino to print.
最后，她读了那篇文章，她读的时候全神贯注，就好像背了一个很沉重的包袱。我感觉她在做一个痛苦的努力，想把内心深处以前的那个莉拉解放出来——把那个读书、写东西、绘画、做设计、反应敏捷的莉拉解放出来。她看完整篇文章，好像放松下来了。
In the end she read it. It seemed to me
that she shrank, as if I had unloaded a weight on her. And I had the
impression that she was making a painful effort to free from some corner of
herself the old Lila, the one who read, wrote, drew, made plans spontaneously—the
naturalness of an instinctive reaction. When she succeeded, everything seemed
pleasantly light.
“我可以删节吗？”
“Can I erase?”
“当然可以。”
“Yes.”
她删去了很多词汇，还有整个一句话。
She erased quite a few words and an
entire sentence.
“我可以移动句子的位置吗？”
“Can I move something?”
“可以。”
“Yes.”
她把一个句子圈了起来，用一道曲线，移到了那页纸的最上方。
She circled a sentence and moved it with
a wavy line to the top of the page.
“我能把这篇文章重新抄在一张纸上吗？”
“Can I recopy it for you onto another
page?”
“我自己抄吧。”
“I’ll do it.”
“还是我来吧。”
“No, let me do it.”
她写了一会儿，最后把笔记本还给我说：“你非常厉害，难怪他们都给你十分。”
It took a while to recopy. When she gave
me back the notebook, she said, “You’re very clever, of course they always
give you ten.”
我感觉到她的语气里没有讽刺，那是一句真诚的恭维。最后她的语气变得生硬，说：
I felt that there was no irony, it was a
real compliment. Then she added with sudden harshness:
“我再也不想看到你写的任何东西。”
“I don’t want to read anything else that
you write.”
“为什么？”
“Why?”
她想了想。
She thought about it.
“因为会让我头疼。”她用手指敲了敲脑袋，笑了起来。
“Because it hurts me,” and she struck her
forehead with her hand and burst out laughing.
我高高兴兴回到家里，为了不打搅家里其他人，我把自己关在洗手间里，一直学习到凌晨三点才去睡觉。早上六点半，我硬撑着起来抄写那篇文章，我先看了一遍莉拉漂亮的圆体字，那是她在小学时就已经定型的，她的字体和我非常不一样，我的字体已经更简洁、更小了。那页纸上的句子真的都是我写的，但更加清晰——删掉的部分、句子位置的改变，还有补充的地方，让我的表达更加有效。她的笔迹给我一种感觉：就好像我从自己身上逃开了，现在奔跑在自己前面一百米的地方，充满了能量，非常和谐，是落在后面的那个我所不具有的力量和协调。
I went home happy. I shut myself in the
toilet so that I wouldn’t disturb the rest of the family and studied until
three in the morning, when finally I went to sleep. I dragged myself up at
six-thirty to recopy the text. But first I read it over in Lila’s beautiful
round handwriting, a handwriting that had remained the same as in elementary
school, very different now from mine, which had become smaller and plainer.
On the page was exactly what I had written, but it was clearer, more
immediate. The erasures, the transpositions, the small additions, and, in
some way, her handwriting itself gave me the impression that I had escaped
from myself and now was running a hundred paces ahead with an energy and also
a harmony that the person left behind didn’t know she had.
我决定保留莉拉的笔迹，不再自己抄写。我把那篇文章带给了尼诺，就是想在我的语言中保留她的笔迹，一种可见的痕迹。他在看那篇文章时，眼睛眨了好几次。最后，他带着一丝忧伤说：“加利亚尼老师说得对。”
I decided to leave the text in Lila’s
handwriting. I brought it to Nino like that in order to keep the visible
trace of her presence in my words. He read it, blinking his long eyelashes.
At the end he said, with sudden, unexpected sadness, “Professor Galiani is
right.”
“她说什么？”
“About what?”
“你写东西比我写得好。”
“You write better than I do.”
我很尴尬，说那不是真的，他又把那句话重复了一遍，然后转身走了，连招呼都没有打。他甚至没有告诉我，杂志什么时候出来，怎样才能获得那份杂志，我也没有勇气问他。他的态度让我很厌恶，加上他离开时，我从他远去的身影中看到他父亲走路的样子。
And although I protested, embarrassed, he
repeated that phrase again, then turned his back and went off without saying
goodbye. He didn’t even say when the journal would come out or how I could
get a copy, nor did I have the courage to ask him. That behavior bothered me.
And even more because, as he walked away, I recognized for a few moments his
father’s gait.
我们这次见面就这样收场了，我们又一次都错了。尼诺有好几天对我都很排斥，就好像我的文章比他写的好是一种错、一种罪过。我觉得很生气，但有一天，他忽然出现在我面前：有血有肉，真的是他。他问我能不能和他一起走走，我冷冰冰地说，我有事，我男朋友会来接我。
This was how our new encounter ended. We
got everything wrong again. For days Nino continued to behave as if writing
better than him was a sin that had to be expiated. I became irritated. When
suddenly he reassigned me body, life, presence, and asked me to walk a little
way with him, I answered coldly that I was busy, my boyfriend was supposed to
pick me up.
有一段时间，他以为我的男朋友是阿方索，但这种可能被排除了，因为有一天放学时，他妹妹玛丽莎出现了，她好像来告诉尼诺一件什么事。自从在伊斯基亚岛会面之后，我们已经有很长时间没有见面了。她马上跑了过来，对我表现得非常亲切。她说很遗憾夏天我没再去巴拉诺。那时候我和阿方索走在一起，我就给她介绍了一下。她哥哥已经走了，她坚持要和我们走一段路，她先是对我们讲了她遭受的爱的痛苦。最后，她发现我和阿方索并不是男女朋友，就不再和我说话，而是用她惯有的方式，开始和阿方索亲密地交谈了起来。我确信她回家之后就告诉她哥哥，我和阿方索之间没有什么，因为在第二天，尼诺又开始围着我转，但我看到他就觉得很心烦。尽管他很讨厌自己的父亲，但他还是像他父亲一样昏庸吗？他以为其他人都迫不及待地想见他、爱着他吗？他那么自负，以至于无法容忍别人比他强？
For a while he must have thought that the
boyfriend was Alfonso, but any doubt was resolved when, one day, after
school, his sister Marisa appeared, to tell him something or other. We hadn’t
seen each other since the days on Ischia. She ran over to me, she greeted me
warmly, she said how sorry she was that I hadn’t returned to Barano that
summer. Since I was with Alfonso I introduced him. She insisted, as her
brother had already left, on going part of the way with us. First she told us
all her sufferings in love. Then, when she realized that Alfonso and I were
not boyfriend and girlfriend, she stopped talking to me and began to chat
with him in her charming way. She must have told her brother that between
Alfonso and me there was nothing, because right away, the next day, he began
hovering around me again. But now the mere sight of him made me nervous. Was
he vain like his father, even if he detested him? Did he think that others
couldn’t help liking him, loving him? Was he so full of himself that he couldn’t
tolerate good qualities other than his own?
我让安东尼奥来学校接我，他马上就按照我的要求来了，一方面他很迷惑，另一方面又很感激我能让他来。最让他惊讶的是：我当着所有人的面拉住了他的手，和他十指交缠。我一直拒绝那样和他走在一起，无论是在城区里面还是在外面，因为这让我感觉到我还是个孩子，在和我父亲一起散步。那次，我就是这么做的，我知道尼诺看到了我们。我想让他知道我是谁：我的文章比他写得好，我会在他发表文章的地方发表自己的文章，我在学校学习很好，比他还好，我还有一个男人，这就是我的男人，因此我不会像一只忠诚的小狗一样，跟在他屁股后面。
I asked Antonio to come and pick me up at
school. He obeyed immediately, confused and at the same time pleased by that
request. What surely surprised him most was that there in public, in front of
everyone, I took his hand and entwined my fingers with his. I had always
refused to walk like that, either in the neighborhood or outside it, because
it made me feel that I was still a child, going for a walk with my father.
That day I did it. I knew that Nino was watching us and I wanted him to
understand who I was. I wrote better than he did, I would publish in the
magazine where he published, I was as good at school and better than he was,
I had a man, look at him: and so I would not run after him like a faithful
beast.
