我是一个矛盾的人，虽然工作一直是和数据打交道，但是在钱方面我是一如既往的迷糊，从来不知道自己帐户里有多少钱。我一贯是只要知道帐户里的钱够用就行了。打完电话专门查了一下账户里的钱，原来账户里的钱比我想象的多呀，稍稍窃喜了一下。大概算算，寄一半的钱回去，如果没有意外，应该能够爸妈这两年的费用了。
晚上我把自己锁在房间里，拉上窗帘，坐床上抱着电脑写信。极力克制着心里的悲伤和愤怒，尽量让语气显得平和。再伤心再愤怒又有什么用，我是在对着一堵墙说话。当写到爸妈的病情的时候，我还是抑制不住的崩溃了。这么久以来，我一直刻意避免去想，去看邮件，每每想到，心里都是撕心裂肺的疼，忍不住的泪水。我丢开电脑，让泪水肆意的流淌。一封邮件，我写了三个小时，该说的我都说了，该做的我都做了，从现在开始，我所做的一切都是为了我的家人，我是为了家人而活，而他不再是我的家人。
自从决定走这一步的时候，我就开始用英文写所有的邮件，主要是为了以后走程序方便。再回来看这封3年前的信，尽管已经沧海桑田，还是难以抑制的会有情绪波动。最多的还是心疼那时的自己，感叹时间是治愈一切伤痛的良药。
我把信的原文放在这里，这封信应该就是一切结束的开始吧。
It’s been more than one year since you left home. I don’t know where you are; I don’t know what and how you are doing; I don’t know even if the person who is reading this email is really you, since I don't have your phone number, nor your address or your where about. I have neither heard your voice nor saw your face since you left one year ago up to now. It is a very unusual situation in today's time with so many advanced and convenient communication methods everywhere. It is not a way that a husband supposed to do to his wife and his family. I asked the same questions so many times and never get any answer from you. I honestly couldn’t think of any reason that you would disappear like this, I hope it’s not you are doing something dodgy.
I have to say, the past 13 months has been the hardest time of my life. I don’t know if you ever imaged how hard it is for me to live with this kind of stressful situation, handling everything in my life without you, my husband, my other half of our family. I often feel so tired, helpless and hopeless. Our family that I was once so proud of is falling apart because of your action. Without any warning, I lost almost everything in my life which I was so cherished and so certain of – the home, the husband and everything else associated with it. After all this time, I am still trying very hard to keep all the broken pieces together, or you can say basically just surviving for the pieces in my life which still matters to me. If you still remember before you took off, we have discussed how we were going to support my parents when my dad was diagnosed with kidney failure and my mum still recovering from lung cancer operation. Last month when I went back to China to take care of my parents and found they were in very difficult situation. My dad has to go to hospital three times a week for renal dialysis while waiting for the kidney transplant. He was very weak and anaemic. My mom has weekly injection to prevent the recurrence of her lung cancer. They had been trying very hard to manage everything by themselves and always told me don't worry about them, take care of myself and my own family. They never told me their true health condition until I was in China and found out they were in such difficult and helpless condition. I was shocked and felt guilty that I haven’t been there for them when they were in need of help. I am the only child of them, they raised me up with unconditional love and always supported me, even when they are in such difficult time, they still tried hard not to burden me. I had hoped you would be here with me and go through this difficult time with me. Well, it seems never going to happen. You leave me with no choice other than to be strong and make decision myself just as the other decisions I have made for the past year. I am going to do everything I could, use all the resources I have to hold on the only family I have left in this world for as long as I can, as best as I can.
I really hope you have a very good reason to be absent at this time ... hope to really hear you soon. Christmas is coming, will you be home by then or you will just remain disappear forever? The least you can do is give me an honest answer!
V
