分类：社会
时间：2019-09-02
片长：21：35
TED简介：幸福的人为什么会出轨？人们说起不忠，真正是指什么？为什么人们会认为男人出轨都是出于厌倦和对紧密关系的恐惧，而女人出轨则是出于寂寞和对亲密关系的渴求呢？对于出轨人的建议是什么？情感理疗师Esther Perel对人类出轨行为进行深刻的探讨，并在视频的最后给出了建议与答案。
演讲者：Esther Perel 艾斯特尔·佩莱尔
Why do we cheat（出轨/欺骗）? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity（n. the quality of being unfaithful）," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup（连接-邂逅）, a love story, paid sex（性交易）, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom（无聊） and fear of intimacy（恐惧亲密）, but women cheat out of loneliness（寂寞） and hunger for intimacy（渴求亲密）? And is an affair（指cheating） always the end of a relationship?
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe and worked extensively （wide）with hundreds of couples who have been shattered（distroy） by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression （crime）that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity（自我认同）： an affair. And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
Adultery（通奸） has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo（禁忌） against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity（黏性） that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is the only commandment（法令） that is repeated twice in the Bible（在圣经中重复了两次）: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile（和解，调停） what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced?
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license（特许） to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories（生物学和进化理论） that justified their need to roam（合理化行为）, so the double standard（双标） is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast （自吹自擂）and to exaggerate（使夸张）, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize（极小化，被轻视） and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying（出轨）.
Now, monogamy（一夫一妻制）used to be one person for life. （一生一次）Today, monogamy is one person at a time. （一次一人）(Laughter)(Applause)
I mean, many of you probably have said, "I am monogamous in all my relationships." (Laughter)
We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others.The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women's fidelity（反.infidelity） in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die.
Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference（meeting）. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:sexting（色情短信）, watching porn,（观看色情内容） staying secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no universally （adv. everywhere）agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates（估算） vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are walking contradictions（矛盾）. So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one. (Laughter)
Now, I like this definition of an affair — it brings together the three key elements（要素，原理）:
⊙a secretive relationship（亲密关系）, which is the core structure of an affair; （不忠的核心构成）
⊙an emotional connection to one degree or another;（ 对方某种程度上的情感相融）
⊙ a sexual alchemy. （性爱魔法）
And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson（QS抖动） is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting（使迷惑） as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.（要对爱情负责的是我们的想象，而不是对方。）
So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll（stress心理压力）. When marriage was an economic enterprise（经济型企业）, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically（讽刺的是）, we used to turn to adultery — that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs（满足无尽的需求）: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant（信任的知己）, my emotional companion（情感伴侣）, my intellectual equal（智慧相当）. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique（独一无二的）, I'm indispensable（不可或缺的）, I'm irreplaceable（不可替代的）, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal.（最终背叛） Infidelity shatters（distory） the grand ambition （雄心壮志的）of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic（伤害的）, because it threatens our sense of self.
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued（困惑的）. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything." Infidelity — a violation（侵犯） of trust, a crisis（危机） of identity. "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks. "Can I ever trust anyone again?"
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you." Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other. And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms." And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt（收据） in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar（衣领上的口红）. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed（欲望表达）. The vivid (生动的）details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.（数字时代的风流韵事是千刀万剐。）
But then we have another paradox（悖论） that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor（独特的热情？）. But we also have never been more inclined to stray（更倾向于流浪）, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires（有权利去追求欲望）, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce（离婚） because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed（相反的）, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption（典型假设） is that if someone cheats,either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological（病态的）. The logic（逻辑） goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust（预防流浪癣）. But what if passion has a finite shelf life（激情的保质期是有限的）? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
The vast majority of（绝大部分） people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers（慢性花花公子）. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful（忠诚的） for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of（一丁点儿） what? Affairs are an act of betrayal（背叛）, and they are also an expression of longing and loss（渴望与失去）. At the heart of （key point）an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection（出轨的核心就是对憧憬和向往的一种情绪表达）, for novelty（新鲜）, for freedom, for autonomy（自主）, for sexual intensity（性刺激）, a wish to recapture（弥补） lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality（活力） in the face of loss and tragedy.（渴望与向往）
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully（happily） married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist（树艺家） who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy(飓风名字）. And with his truck and his tattoos（刺青）, he's quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence（青春期） that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another（寻求他人注视）, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from（厌烦）, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive.And they often will tell me stories of recent losses — of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality （死亡）often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel （推动）people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote（解药） to death.
And contrary to（opposite） what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure （结构）of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness（n.不完全）, the ambiguity（n.不明确）, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy（the talk） is not the same as( the talk ) the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured(v.诱惑） by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness（十分之一勇气）, the imagination and the verve（热情） that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
So how do we heal from（从...中痊愈，解脱） an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep.（欲望根深蒂固。背叛根深蒂固。） But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. （有些婚外情是已经奄奄一息的关系的丧钟。）But others will jolt us into （propel to/push）new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive（仅仅是生存）, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity（把危机变成机遇）.They'll be able to turn this into a generative（adj.有生产力的） experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived （ed-v.欺骗，误导）partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim （要求）more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo （维持现状）that may not have been working for them that well, either.
I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of （直接后果）an affair, because of this new disorder（混乱） that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness（开放，率真） that they haven't had in decades. And, partners who were sexually indifferent（两性间冷淡） find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious（欲望贪婪的）, they don't know where it's coming from. Something about the fear of loss will rekindle（重新点燃） desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth（为全新的真理让路）.
So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do? We know from trauma（hurt 创伤） that healing begins when the perpetrator（犯罪者） acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse （愧疚和懊悔）for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction（区别） is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil （监视）for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries（边界的守护者）. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession（困扰）, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
But for Heather, or deceived（受骗的） partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity （抑制好奇心）to mine for the sordid details（肮脏细节） — Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better than me in bed? — questions that only inflict （增加）more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call the investigative（调查的） questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives — What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home?What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over?
Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.（每一次出轨都会重新定义一段感情，每一对情侣出轨的后果都要由自己来决定） But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas（n.困境） of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator（受害者和犯罪者）.Betrayal（背叛） in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt,（轻视） with neglect（忽视）, with indifference（冷淡）, with violence（暴力）. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner.In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair.（婚外情） (Laughter) So, you're wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question:Would I ever recommend （推荐）it? Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective（view）. The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, "Yes." (Laughter)
I look at affairs from a dual perspective（双方观点）: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other — what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed（透露，显示）, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
Thank you.(Applause)
❤ TED系列，摘取自@TED博物馆（公众号），详情自行前往了解
❤ 当一名安静的聆听者，听别人的故事，走进别人的世界
❤ 当一名文明的表达者，敢于表达，尊重表达
