The more  older I get,the more I hate to travel.

I lost my sleep since the decision has been made: Go back to China to visit my  parents; this time just by myself.

I downloaded the application form from the Chinese embassy' webpage,  filled the details, then  asked my family in China to send an" invitation letter " to support my Chinese visa application because I am a foreigner(even if I am still  Chinese physically.)

Living a small town has a lot of benefits, but also has a lot of downsides too.

First of all, I can't handle the application by  hand,  because it's too far from where I am to the Chinese embassy. So I took the second option that is sending it  there along with all my legal documents. I also have to buy a paid tracking service envelope to send along with it,  just in case the Chinese embassy has granted my Chinese visa,  they will use it to send my passport back to me

Because I am living in a small town in NZ's south island, to be able to travel to Auckland to catch the airplane to travel back to China, also costs a bit of money.

The travel agent lady I've known has found a good deal for me, but the deal will end soon if I don't take it.

I want to pursue the air ticket, but I also worry if my visa application has been rejected by my motherland embassy, there isn't a refund policy if I bought that ticket first.....

Finally, I got everything I needed,  but soon I got into another worry. This time not only am I worrying,  but my whole family is also worrying together.

My daughters are worrying that if I am not home,  they can't look after themselves,  because this is the first time that I am going to be traveling by myself without taking them with me, my husband is worrying that I will get lost in the airport (I have to change airplanes in two big airports and both in different countries and areas.),  because this is the first time that I am traveling by myself,  without being accompanied by him. I suddenly realized how easy it was  just following behind him like a kid, letting him do all the travel work.

Out of all those worries, I know I have to do it,  and to add to that my parents getting old,  so I have to do it more frequently .

Now I totally understand the old saying in Chinese: "don't go too far from  your parents while  they are still a live",particularly now that I too am growing old,  that is not easy.....

Besides all those worries, I am also carrying the luggage of guilt. I finally realized that I was the one who left my parents and my family behind in China, with a head full of dreams,  I chose to come overseas, I totally understand  what I have done to myself now.