-*-
112
尼诺是一个小时之后离开的，尽管彼得罗用一种闷闷不乐的语气让他留下，尽管黛黛哭了起来。我丈夫起身去洗漱了，他再次出现时，已经收拾好自己准备出门了。他垂着眼睛对我说：“我没对警察说，帕斯卡莱和娜迪雅来过我们家里；我没有说，并不是为了保护你，而是我觉得，现在意大利警察已经把不同政见者和犯罪分子混为一谈了。”我当时没明白他在说什么，帕斯卡莱和娜迪雅已经彻底从我脑子里消失了，我很难回过神来想起他们。彼得罗默默地等着我的反应，也许他希望我对他的话表示认可。他希望，我和他是站在一起的，至少有这么一次和他想法一样，支持他，帮他来面对这个考试的、炎热的一天。我只是漫不经心地点了点头。他的政治观点、帕斯卡莱和娜迪雅、乌尔丽克·迈恩霍夫的死、越南社会主义共和国的诞生，还有意大利Communist在选举中赢得的票数——这一切关我什么事儿？我感觉世界在向后退去，我完全沉迷于自我，沉迷于自己肉体，我觉得，那是唯一可以驾驭我的东西，也是唯一值得迷恋的东西。我丈夫——一个秩序和混乱的见证者——把门在他身后关上，我觉得，我再也无法容忍他的目光，我害怕我那被吻过的、痛苦焦灼的嘴唇，夜晚的疲惫，还有像烫伤了一样、非常敏感的身体，忽然间被他清楚地看在眼里。
He left an hour later, even though Pietro
sullenly insisted that he stay, even though Dede burst into tears. My husband
went to wash, and reappeared soon afterward ready to go out. Looking down he
said: I didn’t tell the police that Pasquale and Nadia were in our house; and
I did it not to protect you but because I think dissent now is being confused
with crime. I didn’t understand right away what he was talking about.
Pasquale and Nadia had completely vanished from my mind, and they had a hard
time re-entering. Pietro waited for a few seconds in silence. Maybe he wanted
me to show that I agreed with his observation, and wished to face this day of
heat and exams knowing that we were close again, that for once, at least, we
thought in the same way. But I merely gave him a distracted nod. What did I
care anymore about his political opinions, about Pasquale and Nadia, about
the death of Ulrike Meinhof, the birth of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam,
the electoral advances of the Communist Party? The world had retreated. I
felt sunk inside myself, inside my flesh, which seemed to me not only the
sole dwelling possible but also the only material for which it was worthwhile
to struggle. It was a relief when he, the witness to order and disorder,
closed the door behind him. I couldn’t bear to be under his gaze, I feared
that lips raw from kissing, the night’s weariness, the body hypersensitive,
as if burned, all would suddenly become visible.
我丈夫刚一离开，我就确信：我再也见不到尼诺了，也不可能和他通话了。同时，我又产生了另一个念头：我再也不能和彼得罗生活在一起了。我觉得，我们继续睡在一张床上，这是一件让人无法忍受的事。怎么办？我要离开他，我想，我要带着两个女儿离开。但之后需要办理什么手续呢？离开就完了吗？我不认识任何离婚的夫妇，我不知道任何关于离婚的事儿。需要什么样的手续？需要多长时间，才能获得自由之身？孩子们会经历什么？就孩子的抚养问题，我们需要达成一个什么协议？我是否可以把孩子带到另一个城市生活，比如说那不勒斯？为什么要带到那不勒斯，为什么不是米兰呢？我想，假如我离开彼得罗，我迟早都需要一份工作，现在事态不是很好，经济很糟糕，米兰对于我来说是一个合适的地方，因为我的出版社在那里。但黛黛和艾尔莎呢？她们和父亲的关系怎么处理？我是不是应该留在佛罗伦萨？不行，绝对不能留在佛罗伦萨。米兰更好一点儿，彼得罗想什么时候来看孩子都可以。是的，尽管我的心思在那不勒斯，但我不会回我们的城区，我永远不可能再回城区。我想象着自己住在那不勒斯那些炫目的地方，那些我从来没住过的地方，在塔索街，距离尼诺的家不远。他上下班的时候，我要从窗子看着他，每天在路上遇到他，和他交谈，但我不会打扰他，不给他家里惹麻烦，不仅如此，我还要和他妻子埃利奥诺拉加强联系。我默默地生活在他身边就够了，因此我要去那不勒斯，而不是米兰。再说，假如我和彼得罗离婚之后，米兰就会变得不再那么容易融入。我和马丽娅罗莎、阿黛尔的关系虽然不会彻底断绝，但是会冷淡下来。彼得罗的母亲和姐姐都是文明人，虽然她们并不是很欣赏彼得罗。彼得罗的父亲圭多更不用说了。不！我当然不能指望艾罗塔家的任何人，也许我也不能指望出版社。尼诺可能会帮我一把，他到处都有朋友，当然有办法支持我，只要我对他的关注没惹恼他妻子，没有困扰到他。对于他来说，我是一个已婚女人，和家人生活在佛罗伦萨，距离那不勒斯很远，总之，我不是一个自由的女人。匆忙结束我的婚姻，追在他的屁股后面，住在他家附近，我到底在想什么！他会觉得我是个疯子，我表现得像一个没脑子的小女人，就是那种离了男人没办法活的女人，这会让马丽娅罗莎的那些朋友笑死的。尤其是，这对他很不合适，他爱过很多女人，从一张床到另一张床，他漫不经心地播种，留下孩子。他认为婚姻是一种必要，但这不能限定他的欲望，我的这种做法会显得很可笑。我的生活缺少过很多东西，但我一样活了下来，我离了尼诺也一样能活。我会跟我的两个女儿，过我自己的生活，走我自己的路。
As soon as I was alone, the certainty
returned that I would never again see or hear from Nino. And along with it
was another certainty: I could no longer live with Pietro, it seemed
intolerable that we should continue to sleep in the same bed. What to do?
I’ll leave him, I thought. I’ll go away with the children. But what procedure
should I follow, do I simply leave? I knew nothing about separations and
divorces, what was the practical part, how much time did it take to be free
again. And I knew no couple who had taken that path. What happened to the
children? How did one agree about their maintenance? Could I take the
children to another city, for example Naples? And then why Naples, why not
Milan? If I leave Pietro, I said to myself, I’ll sooner or later need a job.
Times are hard, the economy is bad, and Milan is the right place, there’s the
publisher. But Dede and Elsa? Their relations with their father? Must I stay
in Florence, then? Never, ever. Better Milan, Pietro could come and see his
daughters whenever he could and wanted to. Yes. And yet my head led me to
Naples. Not to the neighborhood, I would not return there. I imagined going
to live in the dazzling Naples where I had never lived, near Nino’s house, on
Via Tasso. See him from the window when he was going to and from the
university, meet him on the street, speak to him every day. Without
disturbing him. Without causing trouble to his family, rather, intensifying
my friendship with Eleonora. That nearness would be enough. In Naples, then,
not Milan. Besides, Milan, if I were separated from Pietro, would no longer
be so hospitable. My relations with Mariarosa would cool, and also with
Adele. Not cut off, no, they were civilized people, but, still, they were
Pietro’s mother and sister, even if they didn’t have much respect for him.
Not to mention Guido, the father. No, certainly I would no longer be able to
count on the Airotas in the same way, maybe not even on the publishing house.
Help could come only from Nino. He had strong friendships everywhere,
certainly he would find a way to support me. Unless my being close made his
wife nervous, made him nervous. For him I was a married woman who lived in
Florence with her family. Far from Naples, therefore, and not free. To break
up my marriage in a rush, run after him, go and live right near him—really.
He would think me mad; I would look like a silly woman, out of her mind, the
type of woman, dependent on a man, who horrified Mariarosa’s friends. And,
above all, not suitable for him. He had loved many women, he went from one
bed to the next, he sowed children carelessly, he considered marriage a
necessary convention but one that couldn’t keep desires in a cage. I would
make myself ridiculous. I had done without so many things in my life, I could
do without Nino as well. I would go my own way with my daughters.
但这时候电话响了起来，我跑去接，是他，我听到背景里有高音喇叭、吵闹和喧嚣的声音，我几乎听不见他在说什么。他刚到那不勒斯，就从火车站给我打电话。他说：“我只是要和你打个招呼。”他想知道，我现在怎么样了。很好，我回答说。你在做什么？我在和两个孩子吃饭。彼得罗在吗？没有。你喜欢和我做爱吗？是的。很喜欢吗？非常喜欢。我投的币要用完了。好吧，再见，谢谢你打电话来。我待会儿打。什么时候都可以。我对自己，还有我的自控力感到满意。我想，我和他保持了合适的距离。他很客气地给我打了电话，我很客气地接了电话。三个小时之后，他又来电话了，还是用一部公用电话。他语气很不安。为什么你冷冰冰的？我没有冷冰冰的。今天早上，你要我跟你说我爱你，我跟你说了。虽然出于原则，我从来都没对别人说过，就连对我妻子都没说过。我很高兴。你爱我吗？是的。今天晚上你和他睡觉吗？那你觉得，我应该跟谁睡觉？我受不了。你不是一样和你妻子睡觉吗？但那不是一回事儿。为什么？我根本就不在乎埃利奥诺拉。那你回来！我怎么办？离开她。然后呢？他开始非常顽固地给我打电话。我喜欢听电话铃响起，尤其是刚打完，我感觉不知道什么时候才能和他再通电话，但他会在半个小时之后就打过来了，有时候甚至是十分钟之后。他开始抓狂，他问我，在我们在一起之后，我有没有和彼得罗做爱。我跟他说没有，他让我发誓，我发誓了。我问他，他有没有和他妻子做爱，他大声说没有，我也希望他能发誓。就这样，很多承诺，誓言接着誓言，尤其是我庄重地承诺，我会待在家里，让他随时能找到我。他希望我等着他的电话，我偶然出去的时候——我不得不出去买东西——他会让电话一直响一直响，一直到我回来，把孩子放下，把购物袋放下，甚至大门都没有关就跑去接他的电话。我听到他在电话那头非常绝望：“我以为，你再也不接我的电话了。”他舒了一口气说：“假如你不接我的电话，我会一直打下去，没有你，我会爱上电话的响声，没人接的电话声，让我感觉是我剩下的唯一东西。”他会非常详细重提我们在一起的夜晚——你记不记得这个，你记不记得那个——他不停地说那些事。他列举了他想和我在一起做的事情，不仅仅是做爱：一起散步，旅行，去看电影，去餐馆，和我谈论他正在做的工作，听我讲我的书的进展。这时候，我失去了控制，我一直在说，是的，是的，是的，所有一切，你想要的所有一切。我最后对着他嘶叫着说：“再过一个星期，我要出发去度假了，我和两个孩子，还有彼得罗去海边。”我说这些时，就好像我被流放了。他说：“埃利奥诺拉三天后会去卡普里岛，她一走，我就来佛罗伦萨，哪怕只待一个小时。”这时候，艾尔莎看着我问：“妈妈，你在不停地和谁说话啊？来和我们玩儿吧。”有一天黛黛说：“别叫她了，她和男朋友说话。”
But the telephone rang and I hurried to
answer. It was him, in the background I could hear a loudspeaker, noise,
confusion, it was hard to hear the voice. He had just arrived in Naples, he
was calling from the station. Only a hello, he said, I wanted to know how you
are. Fine, I said. What are you doing? I’m about to eat with the children. Is
Pietro there? No. Did you like making love with me? Yes. A lot? Really a lot.
I don’t have any more phone tokens. Go, goodbye, thanks for calling. We’ll
talk again. Whenever you like. I was pleased with myself, with my
self-control. I kept him at a proper distance, I said to myself, to a polite
phone call I responded politely. But three hours later he called again, again
from a public telephone. He was nervous. Why are you so cold? I’m not cold.
This morning you insisted that I say I loved you and I said it, even if on
principle I don’t say it to anyone, not even to my wife. I’m glad. And do you
love me? Yes. Tonight you’ll sleep with him? Who should I sleep with? I can’t
bear it. Don’t you sleep with your wife? It’s not the same thing. Why? I
don’t care about Eleonora. Then come back here. How can I? Leave her. And
then? He began to call obsessively. I loved those phone calls, especially
when we said goodbye and I had no idea when we would talk again, but then he
called back half an hour later, sometimes even ten minutes later, and began
to rave, he asked if I had made love with Pietro since we had been together,
I said no, he made me swear, I swore, I asked if he had made love to his
wife, he shouted no, I insisted that he swear, and oath followed oath, and so
many promises, above all the solemn promise to stay home, to be findable. He
wanted me to wait for his phone calls, so that if by chance I went out—I had
to, to do the shopping—he let the telephone ring and ring in the emptiness,
he let it ring until I returned and dropped the children, dropped the bags,
didn’t even close the door to the stairs, ran to answer. I found him
desperate at the other end: I thought you would never answer me again. Then
he added, relieved: but I would have telephoned forever, in your absence I
would have loved the sound of the telephone, that sound in the void, it
seemed the only thing that remained to me. And he recalled our night in
detail—do you remember this, do you remember that—he recalled it constantly.
He listed everything he wanted to do with me, not only sex: a walk, a
journey, go to the movies, a restaurant, talk to me about the work he was
doing, listen to how it was going with my book. Then I lost control. I
whispered yes yes yes, everything, everything you want, and I cried to him:
I’m about to go on vacation, in a week I’ll be at the sea with the children
and Pietro, as if it were a deportation. And he: Eleonora is going to Capri
in three days, as soon as she leaves I’ll come to Florence, even just for an
hour. Meanwhile Elsa looked at me, she asked: Mamma, who are you talking to
all the time, come and play. One day Dede said: Leave her alone, she’s talking
to her boyfriend.
-*-
113
尼诺晚上开着车子出来，他在早上九点到了佛罗伦萨。他打了电话，是彼得罗接的，他把电话挂了。他又一次打电话，我赶忙跑去接，他已经把车停在我家楼下了。你下来。我不能。你马上下来，要不然我就上来了。距离出发去维亚雷焦没几天时间了，彼得罗已经放假了。我让他看着孩子，我说，我要出去买点去海边用的东西，我跑去找尼诺。
Nino traveled at night, he reached
Florence around nine in the morning. He called, Pietro answered, he hung up.
He called again, I went to answer. He had parked downstairs. Come down. I
can’t. Come down immediately, or I’ll come up. We were leaving in a few days
for Viareggio, Pietro by now was on vacation. I left the children with him, I
said I had some urgent shopping to do for the beach. I rushed to Nino.
我们再次见面，这是一个非常糟糕的做法。我们发现，那种感情不但没有减弱，反倒变得更加强烈了，欲望如同烈火燃烧，越来越迫切，让人急不可耐。假如距离很远，通过电话，通过言语，我们还能通过想象，构建一种让人向往的前景，但同时会建立某种秩序，我们会克制自己，并感到害怕。但现在我们见面了，在拥挤狭小的汽车里，根本就不管天气的炎热，我们疯狂的想法变成了现实，成了一件注定的事情，像兵荒马乱年代的做法，追求那些不可能的事情，和那个时代的现实相吻合。
Seeing each other was a terrible idea. We
discovered that, instead of waning, desire had flared up and made a thousand
demands with brazen urgency. If at a distance, on the telephone, words
allowed us to fantasize, constructing glorious prospects but also imposing on
us an order, containing us, frightening us, finding ourselves together, in
the tiny space of the car, careless of the terrible heat, gave concreteness
to our delirium, gave it the cloak of inevitability, made it a tile in the
great subversive season under way, made it consistent with the forms of
realism of that era, those which asked for the impossible.
“你不要回去了。”
“Don’t go home.”
“孩子怎么办？彼得罗怎么办？”
“And the children, Pietro?”
“我们怎么办？”
“And us?”
回那不勒斯之前，他说，他不知道整个八月还能不能和我见面，我们非常绝望地告别了。我们在维亚雷焦租的房子没有电话，他给了我卡普里岛他住的地方的电话。他让我答应他，每天给他打电话。
Before he left again for Naples he said
he didn’t know if he could tolerate not seeing me for all of August. We were
desperate as we said goodbye. I didn’t have a telephone in the house we had
rented in Viareggio, he gave me the number of the house in Capri. He made me
promise to call every day.
“如果是你妻子接电话呢？”
“If your wife answers?”
“那你就挂上。”
“Hang up.”
“如果你在海边呢？”
“If you’re at the beach?”
“我要工作，可能不会去海边的。”
“I have to work, I’ll almost never go to
the beach.”
在我们的想象中，打电话也是为了订个约会日子，在八月十五圣母升天日前后，找机会见一面。他让我找个借口回佛罗伦萨一趟，他也会同样跟埃利奥诺拉撒谎，然后来找我。我们会在我们家里见面，一起吃饭，一起睡觉，这真是一件疯狂的事儿。我亲吻了他，抚摸了他，撕咬了他，我硬生生和他分开，我感到一种不幸的幸福。我跑去胡乱地买了一些毛巾，给彼得罗买了泳衣，给艾尔莎买了小桶和耙子，给黛黛买了一件蓝色泳衣，那段时间，她非常喜欢蓝色。
In our fantasy, telephoning was to serve
also to set a date, sometime in August, and find a way of seeing each other
at least once. He urged me to invent an excuse and return to Florence. He
would do the same with Eleonora and would join me. We would see each other at
my house, we would have dinner together, we would sleep together. More
madness. I kissed him, I caressed him, I bit him, and I tore myself away from
him in a state of unhappy happiness. I went to buy, at random, towels, a
couple of bathing suits for Pietro, a shovel and pail for Elsa, a blue
bathing suit for Dede. At the time blue was her favorite color.
-*-
114
我们去度假了。我没怎么关注两个孩子，我几乎完全把她们甩给了彼得罗。我不停地跑去找电话，就是为了告诉尼诺，我爱他。只有一两次，是埃利奥诺拉接的电话，我马上把电话挂上了，单是听到她的声音就让我感到愤恨。我感到很不公平，为什么她白天晚上都可以和尼诺在一起，他们有什么关系。有时候，那种愤恨会帮我战胜恐惧，让我们在佛罗伦萨会面的计划变得可行。我告诉彼得罗——这也是真的——我说意大利的那家出版社尽管很努力，但我的书在明年一月之前出不来，但法语版本会在今年十月末出版，我要马上解决几个疑问，我需要几本书，所以我要回家取一下。
We went on vacation. I paid little
attention to the children, I left them with their father most of the time. I
was constantly running around to find a telephone, if only to tell Nino that
I loved him. Eleonora answered a couple of times, and I hung up. But her
voice was enough to irritate me, I found it unjust that she should be beside
him day and night, what did she have to do with him, with us. That annoyance
helped me overcome my fear, the plan of seeing each other in Florence seemed
increasingly feasible. I said to Pietro, and it was true, that while the
Italian publisher, with all the will in the world, couldn’t bring out my book
before January, it would come out in France at the end of October. I
therefore had to clarify some urgent questions, a couple of books would be
helpful, I needed to go home.
“我去帮你拿。”他自告奋勇。
“I’ll go get them for you,” he offered.
“你跟两个孩子多待一会儿吧，你从来都不在家。”
“Stay with the girls, you’re never with
them.”
“我喜欢开车，你不喜欢。”
“I like to drive, you don’t.”
“你不能让我清净一下吗？我能不能享受一天的自由？那些女佣都有假期，为什么我就不能有？”
“Leave me alone. Can’t I have a day off?
Maids get one, why not me?”
我一大早就开车出发了，天上有一缕缕的白云，风从车窗吹进来，带来了夏天的气息。我进到空旷的房子里，感觉心在怦怦乱跳。我脱了衣服，洗了澡。我看着镜子里我的肚子和胸上的白色印子，感觉很不自在。我穿上衣服，觉得不满意，又换了一套，脱了穿，穿了脱，一直到自己满意为止。
I left early in the morning in the car;
the sky was streaked with white, and through the window came a cool breeze
that carried the odors of summer. I went into the empty house with my heart
pounding. I undressed, I washed, I looked at myself in the mirror, dismayed
by the white stain of stomach and breast, I got dressed, I undressed, I
dressed again until I felt pretty.
大约下午三点，尼诺来了，我不知道他跟他妻子是怎么说的。我们开始做爱，一直到晚上。第一次，他从容地在我身上投入他的激情，那几乎是一种崇拜的态度，对此我有些不太适应。我试着迎合他，我不顾一切地想表现自己。当我看到他那么投入，那么幸福，忽然间，我脑子里闪过一个糟糕的念头。我觉得，对于我来说，这是独一无二的体验，对于他来说，这是一种重复。他爱女人，他欣赏和迷恋女人的身体。我心里并没有想着我知道的那三个女人：娜迪雅、西尔维亚和马丽娅罗莎，或者说他的妻子埃利奥诺拉。我想的是我最了解的那个女人——莉拉，他为莉拉做的那些疯狂的事情，那种狂热几乎让他走上了自暴自弃的道路。我记得当时她对那份爱情深信不疑，她完全依附于他，研究他读的那些复杂的书，了解他的思想、他的野心，她也在提高自己，改变自己，来适应他的脚步。我记得，当尼诺抛弃她时，她陷得多深，跌得有多重。他知道如何爱一个人，并使别人爱他，总是以一种过火的方式，他不会用别的方式吗？我们现在这种疯狂的爱情，是其他那些疯狂爱情的重复吗？这种不顾一切地想要我的行为，其实是一种模式，就是他要莉拉的那种模式？甚至，他赶到我和彼得罗的家里，是否也像当时莉拉把他带到她和斯特凡诺的家里？我们不是在做爱，而是在重复？
Nino arrived around three in the
afternoon; I don’t know what nonsense he had told his wife. We made love
until evening. For the first time he had the luxury of dedicating himself to
my body with a devotion, an idolatry that I wasn’t prepared for. I tried to
be his equal, I wanted at all costs to seem good to him. But when I saw him
exhausted and happy, something suddenly went bad in my mind. For me that was
a unique experience, for him a repetition. He loved women, he adored their
bodies as if they were fetishes. I didn’t think so much of the other women of
his I knew about, Nadia, Silvia, Mariarosa, or his wife, Eleonora. I thought
instead of what I knew well, the crazy things he had done for Lila, the
frenzy that had brought him close to destroying himself. I recalled how she
had believed in that passion and had clung to him, to the complicated books
he read, his thoughts, his ambitions, to affirm herself and give herself the
chance for change. I remembered how she had collapsed when Nino abandoned
her. Did he know how to love and induce one to love only in that excessive
way, did he not know others? Was this mad love of ours the repeat of other
mad loves? Was he exploiting a prototype: wanting me in this way, without
caring about anything, was it the same way he had wanted Lila? Didn’t even
his coming to my and Pietro’s house resemble Lila’s taking him to the house
where she and Stefano lived? Were we not doing but redoing?
我抽出了自己的身体。他问：“你怎么了？”“没什么，我不知道该怎么对你说，那些是没法说出口的话。”他把我拉到他怀里，我吻了他，这时候，我尽量想摆脱我脑子里的想法，他对莉拉的爱。但尼诺一直在逼问我，我没法回避这个问题。我抓住了之前他提到的一个问题——也许，我可以对他提到这件事——我用一种佯装开玩笑的语气问他：
I pulled back, he asked: what’s wrong?
Nothing, I didn’t know what to say, they weren’t thoughts that could be
spoken. I pressed against him, I kissed him and I tried to get out of my
heart the feeling of his love for Lila. But Nino insisted and finally I
couldn’t escape, I seized a relatively recent echo—Here, maybe this I can say
to you—and asked him in a tone of feigned amusement:
“在性方面，我是不是和莉娜一样，也有问题啊？”
“Do I have something wrong when it comes
to sex, like Lina?”
他脸色变了，他的眼睛和脸看起来像另一个人，一个让我害怕的陌生人。在他做出回答之前，我匆忙地说了一句：
His expression changed. In his eyes, in
his face, a different person appeared, a stranger who frightened me. Even
before he answered I quickly whispered:
“我是开玩笑的，假如你不想说，那就算了。”
“I was joking, if you don’t want to
answer forget it.”
“我不知道你在说什么。”
“I don’t understand what you said.”
“我只是说了你说的话。”
“I was only quoting your words.”
“我从来都没说过这样的话。”
“I’ve never said anything like that.”
“你说谎，这是你在米兰的时候说的，我们当时正在去餐馆的路上。”
“Liar, you did in Milan, when we were
going to the restaurant.”
“这不是真的，无论如何，我都不想谈论莉娜。”
“It’s not true, and anyway I don’t want
to talk about Lina.”
“为什么？”
“Why?”
他不回答。我觉得一阵心酸，就转过身去了。他用手指抚摸我的肩膀，我说：“别碰我。”我们一动不动地待了一会儿，什么话都没有说。他又开始抚摸我，轻轻地吻着我的肩膀，我沦陷了。我自己承认，是的，他是对的，我不应该提到莉拉。
He didn’t answer. I felt bitter, I turned
away. When he touched my back with his fingers I whispered coldly: Leave me
alone. We were motionless for a while, without speaking. Then he began to
caress me again, he kissed me lightly on the shoulder, I gave in. Yes, I
admitted to myself, he’s right, I should never ask him about Lila.
晚上，家里的电话铃响了，肯定是彼得罗和两个女儿打来的。我示意尼诺不要吭声，我从床上下来跑去接电话。我努力做出非常温柔、让人放心的声音，但我没意识到，我把声音压得太低了，是一种很不自然的低声细语，我不希望尼诺听到我的声音，他会开我的玩笑，甚至生气。
In the evening the telephone rang; it
must be Pietro, with the girls. I nodded to Nino not to breathe, I left the
bed and went to answer. I prepared in my throat an affectionate, reassuring
tone, but without realizing it I kept my voice too low, an unnatural murmur,
I didn’t want Nino to hear and later make fun of me or even get angry.
“你为什么声音那么小？”彼得罗问，“一切都好吧？”
“Why are you whispering like that?”
Pietro asked. “Everything all right?”
我马上抬高了嗓门，这次我的声音太大了，我尽量用一种热情的语气和艾尔莎腻了很久，又交代黛黛要乖，不要让她父亲太费心，上床前要刷牙。我回到床上时，尼诺说：
I raised my voice immediately, and now it
was excessively loud. I sought loving words, I made much of Elsa, I urged
Dede not to make her father’s life difficult and to brush her teeth before
going to bed. Nino said, when I came back to bed:
“多好的妻子，多好的妈妈呀！”
“What a good wife, what a good mamma.”
我回答说：
I answered:
“你还不是一样。”
“You are no less.”
我等着紧张的气氛松弛下来，等着我丈夫和两个女儿的声音散去。我和尼诺一起洗澡，我非常开心，这是一种全新的体验，我喜欢给他洗澡，也让他帮我洗。我又为了他精心打扮起来，但这次，在他的眼皮底下，那种不安忽然消失了。他很入迷地看着我试衣服，找一件合适的。他看着我化妆，我时不时会跟他笑着说：“你不要碰我，别挠我痒痒，我要笑起来的话，妆就花了，我又得出重新化，小心我的衣服，不要扯破了，放开我。”他站在我身后，亲吻我的脖子，把手从领子里伸进去，或者从裙子下面伸进来。尽管整栋楼里面空荡荡的，大家都放假了，我还是担心有人看到我们走在一起。我收拾好准备出去，我让他一个人先出去，在车里等我。
I waited for the tension to diminish, for
the echo of the voices of my husband and children to fade. We took a shower
together. It was a new, enjoyable experience, a pleasure to wash him and be
washed. Afterward I got ready to go out. Again I was trying to look nice for
him, but this time I was doing it in front of him and suddenly without
anxiety. He watched, fascinated, as I tried on dresses in search of the right
one, as I put on my makeup, and from time to time—even though I said, joking,
don’t you dare, you’re tickling me, you’ll ruin the makeup and I’ll have to
start over, careful of the dress, it will tear, leave me alone—he came up
behind me, kissed me on the neck, put his hands down the front and under the
dress.
我们一起吃晚饭，吃很多东西，也喝了很多酒，说了很多话。回到家里，我们又上床了，但我们一直都没睡觉。他对我说：
I made him go out alone, I told him to
wait for me in the car. Although people were on vacation and the building was
half deserted, I was afraid that someone would see us together. We went to
dinner, we ate a lot, talked a lot, drank a lot. When we got back we went to
bed but didn’t sleep. He said:
“十月，我要去蒙彼利埃五天，在那里有个研讨会。”
“In October I’ll be in Montpellier for
five days, I have a conference.”
“希望你玩得开心，你和你妻子一起去吗？”
“Have fun. You’ll go with your wife?”
“我想和你一起去。”
“I want to go with you.”
“不可能。”
“Impossible.”
“为什么？”
“Why?”
“黛黛现在六岁，艾尔莎才三岁，我要照顾她们。”
“Dede is six, Elsa three. I have to think
of them.”
我们开始讨论我们的处境，第一次提到了诸如结婚、孩子的事情，然后我们从绝望过渡到性，从性到绝望。最后，我嘟囔了一句：
We began to discuss our situation, for
the first time we uttered words like married, children. We went from despair
to sex, from sex to despair. Finally I whispered:
“我们再也不要见面了。”
“We shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
“就算你能做到，但我做不到。”
“If for you it’s possible, fine. For me
it’s not.”
“胡说。你已经认识我几十年了，你的生活里一直都没有我，但你过得那么丰富，你很快就会忘记我的。”
“Nonsense. You’ve known me for decades
and yet you’ve had a full life without me. You’ll forget about me before you
know it.”
“你要答应我，每天给我打电话。”
“Promise that you’ll keep calling me
every day.”
“不，我再也不给你打电话了。”
“No, I won’t call you anymore.”
“你不打的话，我会疯掉的。”
“If you don’t I’ll go mad.”
“如果我继续想你的话，我也会疯掉的。”
“I’ll go mad if I go on thinking of you.”
我们带着一种自虐的激情，探索了我们现在所处的死胡同，两个人遇到的障碍加在一起，最后我们吵了起来。早上六点，他很烦躁地出发了。我大哭了一场，我把房子收拾了一下，一路上开车时，我希望永远到不要到维亚雷焦。半路上，我发现我没拿任何一本书，而我这趟旅行的借口就是取书。我想：最好如此。
We explored with a sort of masochistic
pleasure the dead end we felt ourselves in, and, exasperated by the obstacles
we ourselves were piling up, we ended by quarreling. He left, anxiously, at
six in the morning. I cleaned up the house, had a cry, drove all the way to
Viareggio hoping never to arrive. Halfway there I realized that I hadn’t
taken a single book capable of justifying that trip. I thought: better this
way.
-*-
115
我回去了，艾尔莎非常高兴，她撅着小嘴儿说：“爸爸不会玩儿。”黛黛捍卫了彼得罗，她说妹妹太小太笨了，什么都玩不好。彼得罗心情很坏，盯着我看。
When I returned I was warmly welcomed by
Elsa, who said sulkily: Papa isn’t good at playing. Dede defended Pietro, she
exclaimed that her sister was small and stupid, and ruined every game. Pietro
examined me, in a bad mood.
“你没有睡觉。”
“You didn’t sleep.”
“我没睡好。”
“I slept badly.”
“你找到那些书了。”
“Did you find the books?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“在哪儿找到的？”
“Where are they?”
“你说我在哪儿找到的？在家里，我查了我该查的内容，就这样。”
“Where do you think they are? At home. I
checked what I had to check and that was it.”
“为什么你那么生气？”
“Why are you angry?”
“因为你让我很生气。”
“Because you make me angry.”
“昨天晚上，我们给你打电话了，艾尔莎想跟你道晚安，但你不在家。”
“We called you again last night. Elsa
wanted to say good night but you weren’t there.”
“天气很热，我出去走了一圈。”
“It was hot, I took a walk.”
“一个人去的？”
“Alone?”
“我还能跟谁？”
“With whom?”
“黛黛说你有一个男朋友。”
“Dede says you have a boyfriend.”
“黛黛和你最亲了，她恨不得取代我。”
“Dede has a strong bond with you and
she’s dying to replace me.”
“或者说，我看不到、听不到的东西，她能看到、听到。”
“Or she sees and hears things that I
don’t see or hear.”
“你想说什么？”
“What do you mean?”
“就是我刚才说的。”
“What I said.”
“彼得罗，我们把话说清楚，你要在你众多的毛病里，再加上爱吃醋这一条吗？”
“Pietro, let’s try to be clear: to your
many maladies do you want to add jealousy, too?”
“我不爱吃醋。”
“I’m not jealous.”
“希望吧，因为如果是这样的话，我想马上告诉你：加上爱吃醋的话，那就太多了，我受不了这一点。”
“Let’s hope not. Because if it weren’t so
I’m telling you right away: jealousy is too much, I can’t bear it.”
在接下来的几天里，这类冲突越来越多了。我对他很留心，我指责他，也很鄙视自己，但同时我也觉得很气愤：你想从我身上得到什么？你要我怎么做？我爱尼诺，我一直都爱他。现在他要我了，我怎么能把他从我的心里、脑子里，还有身体里驱赶出去？我从小就练就了一种自我压抑的完美机制。我的真实欲望，从没有任何一个得到释放，我总能找到办法把所有狂热念想压制下去。我想，现在够了，希望这一切都毁掉吧，从我自己开始。
In the following days clashes like that
became more frequent. I kept him at bay, I reproached him, and at the same
time I despised myself. But I was also enraged: what did he want from me,
what should I do? I loved Nino, I had always loved him: how could I tear him
out of my breast, my head, my belly, now that he wanted me, too? Ever since I
was a child I had constructed for myself a perfect self-repressive mechanism.
Not one of my true desires had ever prevailed, I had always found a way of
channeling every yearning. Now enough, I said to myself, let it all explode,
me first of all.
有几天时间，我没打电话给尼诺，在佛罗伦萨我已经理智地告诉过他这一点了。但是过了几天，我忽然开始每天给他打三四个电话，而且毫不在意我的家人的看法。我甚至也不管黛黛有没有听到，她就在离电话亭几步远的地方。在被太阳炙烤得让人无法忍受的电话亭里，我和尼诺打电话。有时候，我浑身是汗，我受不了女儿监视我的目光，我打开电话亭的玻璃门，对她喊道：“你傻站在那儿干什么，我跟你说过，让你照顾妹妹。”那时候我唯一考虑的事情，就是蒙彼利埃的研讨会。尼诺在折磨我，他越来越像在考验我的情感，我们开始疯狂地吵了起来，然后又相互倾诉，说离开对方无法生活，从那些昂贵的、带着怨气的长途电话，到一大串相互倾诉衷情的、滔滔不绝的情话。我一天下午，我已经精疲力竭了，黛黛和艾尔莎在电话亭的外面哼唧：“妈妈，你快一点儿，我们等烦了。”这时候，我对他说：
But I wavered. For several days I didn’t
call Nino, as I had sagely declared in Florence. Then suddenly I started
calling three or four times a day, heedless. I didn’t even care about Dede,
standing a few steps from the phone booth. I talked to him in the unbearable
heat of that sun-struck cage, and occasionally, soaked with sweat,
exasperated by my daughter’s spying look, I opened the glass door and
shouted: What are you doing standing there like that, I told you to look
after your sister. At the center of my thoughts now was the conference in
Montpellier. Nino harassed me; he made it into a sort of definitive proof of
the genuineness of my feelings, so that we went from violent quarrels to
declarations of how indispensable we were to each other, from long, costly
complaints to the urgent spilling of our desire into a river of incandescent
words. One afternoon, exhausted, as Dede and Elsa, outside the phone booth,
were chanting, Mamma, hurry up, we’re getting bored, I said to him:
“只有一种方式，可以让我陪你去蒙彼利埃。”
“There’s only one way I could go with you
to Montpellier.”
“什么办法？”
“What.”
“把所有一切告诉彼得罗。”
“Tell Pietro everything.”
很长时间的沉默。
There was a long silence.
“你真的做好准备了？”
“You’re really ready to do that?”
“是的，但条件是：你把一切都告诉你妻子。”
“Yes, but on one condition: you tell
Eleonora everything.”
又是一阵沉默。尼诺嘟囔了一句：
Another long silence. Nino murmured:
“你想让我伤害埃利奥诺拉和孩子吗？”
“You want me to hurt Eleonora and the
child?”
“是的。难道我不会伤害到彼得罗和我的两个女儿？做决定意味着伤害。”
“Yes. Won’t I be hurting Pietro and my
daughters? To decide means to do harm.”
“阿尔伯特很小。”
“Albertino is very small.”
“艾尔莎也很小，对于黛黛，这是一件无法忍受的事儿。”
“So is Elsa. And for Dede it will be
intolerable.”
“去蒙彼利埃之后我们再说吧。”
“Let’s do it after Montpellier.”
“尼诺，不要和我做戏。”
“Nino, don’t play with me.”
“我没有做戏。”
“I’m not playing.”
“如果没有做戏，那你要承担后果：你和你的妻子说，我和我丈夫说，就现在，就今天晚上。”
“Then if you’re not playing behave
accordingly: you speak to your wife and I’ll speak to my husband. Now.
Tonight.”
“给我一点儿时间，这不是一件简单的事儿。”
“Give me some time, it’s not easy.”
“难道对我来说很简单？”
“For me it is?”
他开始支支吾吾，想对我解释，他说埃利奥诺拉是一个很脆弱的女人，她的生活都是围绕着他和孩子。他说，她小时候有两次尝试过自杀，但他不仅仅说了这些，我感觉，他带着他特有的清醒在全盘托出，说着说着，他最后承认，这不仅仅是伤害他妻子和孩子的问题，而且是把很多便利一脚踢开。因为只有过着富裕的生活，那不勒斯才变得可以忍受。还有很多关系网，可以让他在大学里为所欲为。最后，他自己也为那种毫无保留感到震惊，他说：“你记不记得，你公公很欣赏我，我们的关系如果公开之后，可能我就会和艾罗塔家彻底决裂了。”我不知道为什么，他最后强调的这件事，让我很受伤害。
He hesitated, tried to explain. He said
that Eleonora was a very fragile woman. He said she had organized her life
around him and the child. He said that as a girl she had twice tried to kill
herself. But he didn’t stop there, I felt that he was forcing himself to the
most absolute honesty. Step by step, with the lucidity that was customary
with him, he reached the point of admitting that breaking up his marriage
meant not only hurting his wife and child but also saying goodbye to many
comforts—only living comfortably makes life in Naples acceptable—and to a
network of relationships that guaranteed he could do what he wanted at the
university. Then, overwhelmed by his own decision to be silent about nothing,
he concluded: Remember that your father-*-law has great respect for me and
that to make our relationship public would cause both for me and for you an
irremediable breach with the Airotas. It was this last point of his, I don’t
know why, that hurt me.
“好吧，”我说，“我们就此结束。”
“All right,” I said, “let’s end it here.”
“等一下。”
“Wait.”
“我已经等太久了，我应该事先做决定。”
“I’ve already waited too long, I should
have made up my mind earlier.”
“你想做什么？”
“What do you want to do?”
“我要采取行动了，我的婚姻已经没有任何继续的意义了，我要走我自己的路。”
“Understand that my marriage no longer
makes sense and go my way.”
“你肯定吗？”
“You’re sure?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“你会来蒙彼利埃吗？”
“And you’ll come to Montpellier?”
“我说我要走自己的路，没有说走你的路，我们之间已经结束了。”
“I said my way, not yours. Between you
and me it’s over.”
