2021-09-18

It has been 10 days since I wrote English diary last time. Stone's fever faded long ago but something much more serious happened. I don't know how to face this dramatic change but the result has already been written: ZHUA is dying because her cancer has deteriorated and spread everywhere.

I've been bathed in tears since I heard about it last week. As ZHUA had intended to go back home to her hometown Fuzhou, meanwhile, there was an outbreak of Delta variant in Fujian province, I was afraid that I would not be able to see her before the end. Therefore I came to Hangzhou again. Now I'm sitting in a hostel not far away from her rented flat, typing all these words with tears.

It happened too fast. Not only me, my other friends and relatives who know the story of ZHUA all thought that she had avoided the worst result and had restored to health, but we were wrong. The hidden cunning cancer cells are bursting all the time. When ZHUA felt abdominal distension, it was too late. She had exerted herself. There is nothing left she could do except accept. So do us.

D717, I will never forget the number of the train. A whole year ago on September 15th, I went to Hangzhou by D717, and last night which was September 17th, once again by D717, I left Beijing to visit ZHUA in Hangzhou. 

I bought the soft sleeper ticket and thought it would be more comfortable. But the old man in the same compartment farted freely and the other man ate snacks when it was already one o'clock in the morning. Even if there was no one in the same compartment, I thought I would not be able to have a sound sleep, though I told myself that I was just coming to enjoy a mid-autumn holiday with ZHUA. Just as I mounted on the upper bed, my tears poured down and made my mask wet. I could not resist to recall the days we were together. I really don't know how would I tolerant a world without her.

I met ZHUA and her parents finally at launch today. It was a bit weird because I thought there would be only ZHUA and Dazhan, but there were a lot of others, for example ZHUA's parents, Dazhan's husband and younger daughter, and there were a man and a woman who were friends of Dazhan couple but were totally unknown for me. The atmosphere seemed easy, everyone behaved like nothing had happened though we all know what we would face in recent future. ZHUA talked and laughed as usual, but she ate very little and she was clearly thinner than last year. I can't conceive that she could be even thinner. She must feel exhausted after the dinner, for she squatted on her heels while we were waiting for the car on parking lot.

I hadn't known that today was Dazhan's birthday until she told me at launch. I prepared some toys and candies only for her daughters. She was wearing overkill makeup as before, I could not read any sad information on her face. Yet, her husband told me that she had cried for a whole week at home. 

What can we do? Why we have to face this at such a young age?  

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