I just resigned engagement this Monday, I’ve been planning this movement since long time ago,and finally I did it. But it was just the first step of my plan, the harder one was to ask the big boss in my company to see if there is any possibility to transfer me to the Paris office. This is a not easy “task” for me, to be honest. I was hesitated and scared. I spent the whole night ruminating: “Should I try or not?” The next day, I have been told by some people that I should go and even the result doesn’t look good but as least I would havetried. I didn’t care the negative voices around me. Felt like I already know what is my answer, I was just too timid and not enough confidence, but,“ I will definitely take this challenge!” I said to my self firmly.
Without any doubts, I have finished this “ task “, and I sent message to M, “ I made it! And now I feel great !” His prompt reply sent back, he kept saying;” it is so so so so… good!This might be an easy thing for others, but I knew it was not easy for you. You did great! I am proud of you.” And yes, I was truly and really happy for myself, I know I was getting confidence and good feeling of showing some courage.i was helping myself, I just feel GREAT! Whatever the result comes to me, I would happy toaccept, because I’ve already done the most difficult part. And i would be always grateful for that, in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years...that courageous step I made!
The next things are simply to book a flight and leave for France. When I was about to celebrate everything, the life set up a break for me. You think you have a plan, but life has got his plan, and it bothers you and make you think over about your decisions.
This morning, when I was sleeping, my mum knocked my door and woke me up, it was that my father needs to go to hospital because he wasn’t feeling well and has to do an endoscopy immediately. I was kind of notice something’s going to happen, but I was not sure what is it. Until my mum walked towards me secretly and whispered:”I don’t think it is a good sign. “ Her face was with much tension, as if she has already known this day would come to us, just she was not prepared to face with it. I put down my glass with milk slowly on the table, without saying anything, as I didn’t really know how to say, whatever I say seemed to be useless at that time, the only thing I could do is to pray…
I sent my father into the consulting room, he needs to be under the general anesthesia during the whole procedure. It turns that it finally took one hour and half, but for me, it was like one day and half. When I was waiting outside, sitting on the chairs, finishing my unfinished breakfast, so many things went through my brain. In a certain moment, I decided to give up my Europe plan that i have been dreaming of for many years and take care of my father for the rest of his life in China. I was even planning to ask my boss to annul my resignation which i just offered and continue working in shanghai in order to support my family. At that moment, I just want a stable and safe life. But in the meantime, I felt sad, very sad, just like a mother is losing her new-born baby, giving it up means the solo travel in the world plan would be gone forever, i wouldn't have time again being young to travel this world, but my hands are tied.
The reality kills me and it didnt let me think too much about my dream. One sentence kept running in my head:” let go of trying to change it or even wanting it to bedifferent. It just is.” I was trying to make myself calm and be ready for whatever would come to me. Seeing so many other patients were sent out of the consulting room except my father, my nervous was getting more and more, my fingers were keeping crossed. Nurses were taking care of those patients who were lying and insensible after the anesthesia, I still didn’t see my father…Where is my father? Is there anything urgent happened? Is he still ok? Or can’the wake up..? My brain couldn’t stop running… until I saw my father came out withthe company of my mum… and i feel strongly that my family is the most important thing in this world, nothing could change it.
