又到了我们的改写计划咯~
首先，照例是简单了解下什么是改写计划：
这个栏目名称叫做「改写计划」。顾名思义，就是希望通过对原始文章的修改，力图将其变得更加优美。
原始文章来自仕佳的学生习作或者是「读者投稿」。投稿请添加学习君微信（xuexijun01） 。具体修改哪篇，由仕佳老师选定。
每期修改一篇作文
以下一位仕佳学生的习作，来自TPO 40 。题目的要求为：
Some parent offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?
先来看看学生的习作原文：
I agree with the statement that parents should give their children money if they get good grades in school. There are two reasons why I think so.
First, giving children money can make them study harder before exams. They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best. This will encourage them to achieve good marks. For instance, my parents often give me money when I get an A+ in school. Once I was about to have a history exam. There were too many things to review, and it was late at night. I was about to give up. Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books. I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs. Finally, with the encouragement from the money, I got a good grade in the exam and finally got my books. In contrast, John, one of my friend, did not get money for his grades. He had no encouragement to make him work hard. And so, he got a pretty bad score on that exam. This shows that children will do better if they receive money for each good grade.
Second, giving children money can also help them learn how to manage money. It is inevitable that we have to manage money in the future. So it is good to learn that skill in the early age. Let's still take me and my friend John as an example. Once we had a assignment in our economy class. I had learn a lot about how to manage money, as I had gained and spent my money for a long time. So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy. And I got a good mark in that assignment. However, when I asked John, he said that he did not know any of those questions, because he does not have any of the experiences which I have. This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money, and the best way to do so is to give them money if they get a good grade in the school.
Because of the two reasons above, in my point of view, it is good for parents to give their children money if they get a high mark in school.
从整体来看，这篇文章的优缺点分别是：
优点：
- 段落层次组织有序，衔接紧密，过渡自然，有逻辑性
- 文章切题，阐述基本清晰，举例恰当
- 句间连接基本顺畅
缺点：
- 有部分句法错误;用词一般，有时不得体。
- 叙述过于啰嗦，有效信息不够充分。
综上，这篇文章在托福考试中大概是20分上下的水平。
几个比较重要的修改点如下，我们先看第一处：
They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best.
问题分析：
条件状语从句里主句不能前面加if，这句话中出现了两个if。其次so that使用不当。
改写建议：
The students are motivated to try their best by the fact that if they do great in exams, they will get money as a reward.
第二处：
Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books.
问题分析：
首先，这里在叙述过去的事件，时态应该选用过去时。其次，I encourages me属于语法错误。
改写建议：
However, I remembered that my parents promised a huge amount of money if I could achieve a satisfying result in the exam, which would enable me to buy my favorite books.
第三处:
I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs.
问题分析：
这里的句子就是所有句子堆砌在一起，中间没有任何连接词连接，句间连接不通顺。
改写建议：
On considering the books, I was full of enthusiasm and energy to continue reviewing until I got all the stuffs done.
第四处：
So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy.
问题分析：
Those problems？哪些问题？前面没有说，没有铺垫过会出现的难题，所以这里显得很突兀。
改写建议：
So when faced with difficulties I already met before, I was able to tackle the problem without panic.
第五处：
This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money……
问题分析：
importance和necessary重复了，而且这句话属于语法错误。
改写建议：
This has emphasizes the importance of allowing children to manage their money in preparation for the future.
当然，上述的修改只是挑出了几处比较有代表意义的问题进行了具体的分析，文章本身还是有不少其他的语法错误的，如时态、单复数变形等等。出现问题的地方在图中都有标明，同学们也可以自己思考一下为什么标红的地方有问题，怎么有问题，应该怎么改：
以下是这篇文章完整的修改情况。改后的文章为25分左右的水平。
以上，就是本期改写计划的所有内容。
点击“阅读原文”，可以下载带有批改显示的word文件，阅读效果和学习效果会更好。
今天是冬至，Tim老师（天哥）一早到办公室就祝我节日快乐，然后和他愉快地聊了一下小时候对冬至节的美好记忆，就开始愉快地工作了，中午的时候，天哥又请我和今天在仕佳学习的同学们一起去吃美食啦，专门点了饺子有没有……
天哥说因为今天雾霾，并且又是节日，所以坚持到学校的老师和同学会比较少，这样他请吃饭就可以少花钱……我只想说，这样的天哥给我来一打 (●´∀｀●)
