**Father-son Relationship with the Chinese Characteristics **
中国式父子关系
Only when fathers and sons lay bare
their mutual love deep in their hearts
can they ultimately shake and make up.
只有把深藏的爱意表达出来，才会有最终的握手言和！
1
电影《千里走单骑》，讲述的是一个东方式的父子故事。
由高仓健饰演的父亲高田，是一位典型的东方式父亲：性格倔强、沉默寡言、缺乏交流。与儿子的关系也一直处于紧张状态，很长一段时间，他并不理解儿子为何会迷上傩戏——一种云南乡村的地方戏曲。
而儿子健一也一直无法原谅父亲，甚至在自己病危，父亲破例前来探望时，健一都选择了拒绝，这本是他们最后的一次沟通机会。
健一的妻子将一份记录健一这些年在中国拍摄傩戏的录像带送给了高田，希望高田能借此了解下儿子的生活。看完录像后，高田决定到中国，把儿子未拍完的戏《千里走单骑》拍完，带回给儿子，这是作为父亲唯一能猜到的儿子的未了心愿……
对高田来说，这也是一段心灵的救赎之路。
语言的障碍，让这位父亲的行程充满了变数，经过多方波折，心愿快要达成的时候，高田才恍然大悟：原来儿子并不是喜欢什么傩戏，他来到异国他乡，不过是想用陌生遮住自己的脸，好看不见那横亘于山川间的无尽孤独。在这个时候，他才真正理解儿子内心深处的孤独，
在去见李加民的路上，儿媳打来电话，说：“健一去世了……”
或许唯一值得安慰的是：儿子临死前给父亲留下了几句话，他原谅了父亲，也请求父亲原谅自己的儿子。
这样的故事，总有一种感同身受的心痛与刺骨，很多时候，父亲与孩子之间，总隔着一块透明的玻璃。近在眼前，却又难以靠近。
2
Most fathers can only be noticed and remembered in the form of fading figures just like a scene prescribed by Zhu Ziqing in his story “Rear-View of a Fading Figure”:
大部分的父亲习惯于以背影的形式出现，就像朱自清在《背影》中所描绘的场景：
**
“I watched as he, in a little black hat, a black robe, and deep-turquoise jacket, staggered to the side of the railroad track. It wasn’t too difficult for him to lower himself down slowly, but it took some struggle to climb up the platform after crossing the tracks. He clung onto the edge, raised his legs, and tilted slightly to the left as he tried to lift his overweight figure with great effort. In watching him from the back side at that moment, my tears began to stream down my cheeks.”
我看见他戴着黑布小帽，穿着黑布大马褂，深青布棉袍，蹒跚地走到铁道边，慢慢探身下去，尚不大难。可是他穿过铁道，要爬上那边月台，就不容易了。他用两手攀着上面，两脚再向上缩；他肥胖的身子向左微倾，显出努力的样子。这时我看见他的背影，我的泪很快地流下来了。
They find it duty-bound to silently support the family through all means possible, and they struggle without much ado by dumbly licking their wounds, back on the track for a living.
他们总习惯于默默地养家糊口，默默地舔舐伤口，再默默地重新上路。
When fathers are forced to express emotional feelings towards their children, they are always passive or at a loss: seldom hug, kiss, or praise their own children, nor do they take their initiative to give a ring to the children. Of course, seldom do they send the children to school or prepare them a birthday gift.
在与孩子的情感交流上，父亲总是被动或是不知所措：很少拥抱、很少亲吻，很少夸奖自己的孩子，很少主动地给孩子打电话，当然，也很少接送孩子上学，或是为孩子准备一份生日礼物。
They don’t lack love, but their way of love is mysteriously profound and unbearably restrained, so the father and the son tend to keep respectfully aloof from each other and are usually separated by a layer of unfathomable solemnity. We are used to likening the father’s love to a high mountain, so profound and great, but solemnly respectful and dreadful and totally unfathomable.
不是不爱，只是爱得太深沉、太隐忍，父亲与孩子之间往往隔着一层严肃的距离感。我们习惯于把父爱比作山，厚重、伟大，但又有一种难以攀登的肃穆与害怕。
The cut-and-dried words uttered by many sons to their daddies are perhaps like this, “Daddy, where’s Mom?” Actually most people can not understand how hard it is for the father to maintain such a deep but pent-up love until their fathers are advanced in years with no ounce of elegance and talent. Sure, it is not the fault of the sons!
很多人对父亲说的最多的一句话或许是：“爸，我妈呢？”对很多人而言，或许要等到父亲垂垂老去、风华不再的时候，才能体会到父亲的那份深爱与不易，当然，这并不是孩子的错！
3
There is a seaman in the US named George Mansell, who had to sail out when his son was newly born. Three years later, I came back home with great expectations only to find such an unbearable situation: his son is very peculiar and withdrawn in his behavior, acting quite weird with the stronger inferiority feeling. He shows no naive and lively signs bestowed upon his peers.
美国有位叫乔治曼斯尔的海员，在儿子刚出生不久便出海远航。3年后，当他满怀期待地回到家里的时候，却难以接受地发现：儿子举止古怪，性格孤僻，而且自卑感很强，看不到这个年龄段应有的天真与活泼。
This is the typical “Absent Father Syndrome”.
这就是典型的“缺乏父爱综合症”。
Baby-parent relationship is the attachment built earliest in a child’s life, whose quality can directly affect the cultivation of the child’s personality. In case of the more active response from parents to this problem, the innermost being of the child could be healthier. Most importantly, the role played by Daddy in the whole process can not be replaced by Mom.
婴儿和父母的关系，是人生中最早建立的依恋关系，依恋关系的质量直接影响孩子的人格养成，如果父母的回应程度高，那么孩子的内心就更加地健康，这其中，父亲的角色是母亲所无法替代的。
The earlier fathers know how to have the intimate contact and sweet exchange with their children, the higher secure personality their children will generally have: health, generosity, self-confidence and higher IQ.
父亲懂得与自己的孩子亲密接触、温馨交流，孩子能发展为安全型人格:健康、大方、自信、智商普遍较高。
On the contrary, if fathers show a lower response to this problem with less participation, lacking the necessary exchange with their children, they are likely to develop themselves into the persons of insecure attachment: self-abased, weak-willed and lacking confidence, easily falling into Depression (Melancholia).
相反，如果父亲的回应程度低，父亲参与少，且不懂得与孩子交流，孩子很可能发展成不安全型依恋，自卑、缺乏信心、意志薄弱，且容易诱发抑郁症。
A survey shows:
曾有一份调查显示：
No more than 10% daddies have the habit of sending their children to school while only 15% daddies have the habit of hugging their children.
只有不到10%的爸爸有送小孩上学的习惯，而只有15%的爸爸有抱小孩的习惯。
Hugging is actually the best way to shorten the distance between a father and a son. However, most fathers seldom hug their children, do not take their initiative to give them a hug, or are not used to the way of hugging, so their love for children is highly reserved and restrained.
拥抱其实是缩短与孩子距离的最好方式，然而对大部分的父亲而言，往往是：抱得少、不主动、不会抱，含蓄而且内敛。
In view of the exchange with children, fathers are in want of learning more.
在与孩子的交流这一块，父亲仍需要学习。
4
Mr. Six and Xiao Bo in the movie entitled “Mr. Six / Fading Wave” are the typical models of fathers and sons in the Chinese families: Both of them lack the mutual communication and acceptance. The father frowns upon the son while the latter refuses to obey the former. The father tries to control the son while the latter insists on standing up to the former.
电影《老炮儿》中的六爷和晓波就是典型的中国家庭下的父子模型：彼此之间缺乏交流与接纳，老子看不惯儿子，儿子不服老子，老子要管儿子，儿子却偏要和你对着干。
However, in the depth of their hearts, both of them are longing for being recognized by the other. The son wants the very words uttered by his daddy, “Son, well done!”. The father wants to hear from his son “Daddy, you are great!”
其实在他们的内心深处，都渴望着对方的认可，儿子想听父亲说一句：“儿子，你真棒！”父亲想听儿子说声：“爹，你真牛！”
Neither of them can avoid the invisible hurts. But it is the father who first lowers his head. “With his guts, he looks for his son as if he was investigating a case little by little and step by step.”
两人都撞得满鼻子灰。最后先低头的人，是父亲，“他带着自己的骨气，一步一步像探案一样寻找儿子”。
The most touching plot in the movie is the dialog between the father and the son in a quiet bistro, where they laid bare the words buried deeply within them. They fell out with great anger and dissatisfaction but kind of tender feelings. Only when fathers and sons lay bare their mutual love deep in their hearts can they ultimately shake and make up!
电影最感人的地方，是小酒馆里的那一场父子对话，两个人把内心深处的话都说出来，有争吵、有愤怒、有不满、也有温情，只有把深藏的爱意表达出来，才会有最终的握手言和！
In truth, this is what most children are hankering for.
其实，这也是很多孩子所期盼的。
Just as Cui Shu sang in the song “Father”, “Why can’t we be good buddies!”
就如崔恕在《父亲》中唱的：“我们为什么不能做朋友呢！”
中文来源| id（guoguan5000）
★ 作者：国馆
最中国的文化微刊。用文化修炼心灵，以智慧对话世界，在这里，重新发现文化的魅力。国馆2017重磅新书——《快乐的人，都有温润的趣味》正火热销售中。
★ 英文：阎成席
资深翻译、英语发音和朗读研学者、知名英语网站双语专栏作家，也是在线语音、口语、语法、阅读和翻译等课程主讲，特别主讲《新概念》、《阎老师四六级翻译》等课程。
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