### TMC

The reason I went to the ToastMasters Club is that I want to make connections with people.

This is a voice memo which I think my life coach will hear later.

I feel nervous when I didn’t say anything during the voice memo recording.

I think she may expect some information from me, these possbile expectations which I think she may have, makes me feel lots of pressure when I didn’t say anything before the voice recorder. It’s like, every minute, every second of such kind of blank time is a waste of time of hers. And by express these kind of nervousness, I found an interesting assumption held by myself. That I assume everybody is thirsty to get useful information from me(As I am such kind of person), I assume they are impatient, I assume that if I step up to a stage and be silent, I will offend them, so I try hard to gain their acknowledgement. I’m focusing on things like:”Oh! I look really stupid now, what to do?! and what to say?! Oh, I want to use that word, but I forgot how to spell it! I’m so embarassed, I’m done! Oh jesus, I’m really humiliating myself right now. I know I’m not the type for public speaking, why did I come here? this is totally a mistake, I’m look like a joker, let’s finish this disaster, I shall stop my awkward performance as soon as possbile, just tell them I’m finished, let me get out of this shame hell.”

I think maybe there are some people who are impatient(like me), but as human beings are very complicate animals, so diffrent people will behave differently, maybe some people are very patient, they are curious about the content which I’m going to deliver, though my expressions aren’t very fluid or accurate, they are willing to wait for me. I think my life coach is willing to wait for me and willing to listen to my voice memo. Maybe she will using her own ways to listen to my voice memo, not listened it all at one time, but I don’t think she will hate me or disdain me after she listend this, and she won’t kill me with a machinegun, I think the most reasonable assumption for her reaction after she listened my voice memo is that she would listen to part of my voice memo, and she will have a feeling of getting some useful information. Maybe she is busy, so she can’t listen the full version of it. But my voice memo is still something good, something meaningful to her. So this is important(this conclusion and its reasoning process). This voice memo isn’t perfect, but it’s meaningful to those people I want to share with.

Yeah, I feel relaxed now, much more relaxed. I’ve mentioned at the beginning of this voice memo that I want to make connections with people. But why would I want to make connections with people? First of all, I think social contact is a basic need for human beings, second, the behaviour of attending TMC means I didn’t quite satisfied this basic need for me. But why I’m so unsatisfised about the need of social contact? Because I’m afarid of it. (I felt tired now, and I think maybe I can pause it for now resume it later tomorrow)