我是一直热爱找段子的Stella君，每天游走于段子之间，前一段时间我悲伤地发现，微博上的搞笑段子基本上全都被我刷完了，后来我打着学习的旗号逛到了Quora，发现歪果的“知乎”也是段子飞起呢，让我们一起感受一下老外们的幽默，既可以哈哈哈还可以学英语，想想还是蛮划算的呢！
-1-
read this long ago.....
在很久之前看到的……
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts,
某人正乘坐在热气球里，他意识到自己走丢了，这时他看到下面有一个人，所以他下降了热气球喊道，
Balloonist :Excuseme, can you please help? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour agobut I don't know where I am.
气球男：不好意思能帮我一下嘛？我答应一个朋友半小时前和他见面，但是我连现在在哪都搞不清楚。
Man :Yesyou are in a balloon hovering approx.30 feet. You are between 40 and 42 degreesNorth latitude, and between 58 and 60 deg West longitude.
男人：你在一个大约30英尺高盘旋的气球里面，身处北纬40到42度之间，西经58到60度之间。
Balloonist:You must be an engineer.
气球男：伙计，你肯定是一个工程师。
Man:I am, How did you know？
男人：是的，你怎么知道？
Balloonist :Well! everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea whatto make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.
气球男：嗯哼，你所有告诉我的都只是技术正确，我完全没头绪你的信息能干嘛，所以事实上我还是走丢了。
Man:You must be a manager
男人：你肯定是一个经理。
Balloonist :Iam. How did you know?
气球男：对呀,你咋知道？
Man:Well, youdon't know where you are. You have made a promise that you have no idea how tokeep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the sameposition you were in, before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
男人：嗯哼，你不知道你在哪，说明你做了一个不知道如何实现的允诺。你希望我来解决你的问题，事实上，你还在我们见面前的处境中，但现在不知怎么的，问题全赖我了。
看来二位都绝非等闲之辈，都有超高的识人本领，让Stella君想起了前段时间很火的某老板……
还有心疼我们的程序员……
让我们看看底下的评论，也都笑翻了
-2-
School students are taught that lying is a sin. However,instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
学校教育学生撒谎是一件罪恶的事。然而，教育同时建议我们，在不说谎的情况下用一些想象力来换种说法表达事实。下面就是关于这种建议极好的例子：
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs:
带着吹风机过海关
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked thepriest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
在一架从爱尔兰起飞的航班上，一位非常有魅力的年轻女子问坐在她旁边的神父：“神父，能帮我一个忙吗？”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
“当然啦，我的孩子，我能为你做什么？”
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It isunopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under yourRobes perhaps?"
“额，我给妈妈买了一个很贵的吹风机为她庆生，它还没有打开，但是它已经大大超过了海关的金额限制，我怕他们会没收它。你有没有方法帮我带着它通过海关呢？也许可以把它藏在你的长袍里？”
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
“我很乐意帮助你，亲爱的，但是我必须提醒你，我不会说谎的。”
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
“神父，拥有这么一张诚实的面庞，没人会质问你的，”女子回答说。
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
当他们走进海关，女子让神父走在第一个。工作人员问，“神父，你有什么东西要申报吗？”
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
“从我的头部顶端到腰部，我都没有什么要申报的。”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you haveto declare from your waist to the floor?"
工作人员觉得这个回答很奇怪，就问，“所以从你的腰部到地面你有什么要申报的呢？”
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
神父说，“我有一个非凡的工具，被设计为对女性使用，而且到目前为止都没有用过。”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Nextplease!"
在咆哮般的笑声中，工作人员说，“往前走吧，神父，下一个！”
歪果仁的幽默真的是……等一下，这不是开往幼儿园的车，放无比纯洁的Stella君下去……
下面的评论还真的是……
没眼翻了……大家自行体会吧……
-3-
再来看个短的：
The Indian
Rupee recently touched it's all time low against the dollar. As usual, people on Twitter were at their sarcastic best. The following tweet was the most hilarious one I've read in a long time.
最近印度卢比对美元汇率触及了它的历史低位。像往常一样，人们在推特上极尽所能地挖苦它。下面的这条是很长一段时间我看到的最滑稽的。
"The only time the Indian Rupee goes up is during a Toss."
“印度卢比唯一会上升的情况就是投掷硬币的时候。”
其实它的评论很卖萌……
-4-
最后再来看一个经典的
Sherlock Holmesand Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
夏洛特·福尔摩斯和华生博士正在野营。他们在群星下扎营然后休息了。深夜里的某个时间，福尔摩斯叫醒华生说：
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
“华生，抬头看天，告诉我你看到了什么。”
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
“华生，抬头看天，告诉我你看到了什么。”
Holmes said:"And what do you deduce from that?"
福尔摩斯说：“你能从其中推断出什么？”
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’squite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are afew planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
华生回答说：“如果它们之中的一些拥有行星，那些行星非常有可能像地球一样。如果那些行星像地球一样，那里可能会有生命。”
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
福尔摩斯说：“华生，你又犯蠢了，这是说明有人把我们的帐篷偷走了。”
满满的画面感啊……这是来自基友的嫌弃么？
好了今天Stella君的段子就分享到这里，接下来总结一下我们可以学习到的词汇：
1 spot用作名词时可以指点、斑点，spotted dog斑点狗，也可以指青春痘，也可以指地点等；用作动词时，大概的印象就为聚焦到某一点，就有认出、用灯光照射，甚至弄脏的意思（把墨水聚焦在衣服上，就是弄脏）。文中spots a man 就是眼睛像聚光灯一样地看到了一个人。
2 hilarious [hɪ'lɛrɪəs]我们形容有趣比较喜欢用funny、interesting等，看了歪果仁的评论，又可以学一个地道的表达了，在英英词典里解释为extremely funny，下次想说让我情不自禁哈哈大笑就可以用这个词了。
3 Customs这个词和custom只差一个复数s，用法可是不太一样哦，custom有习惯，惯例，海关，关税的意思，而它加复数并且大写C之后，就专指进出国家的海关了，每次做国际航班的时候都会经过这里，要记得申报违禁物品或者超价物品（不然查到会算作走私哦）。
关于这个词Stella君还弄出过很大的笑话，有一次出国看到了Customs以为就是customer顾客的意思，还以为是顾客服务台，还问里面的official行李在哪拿，真的是十分尴尬啊！
好啦，这回就到这里了，下回别忘了和Stella君接着逛Quora学英语哦，
我们的口号是:
天若有情天亦老
学点英语好不好
人间正道是沧桑
早睡早起不要慌
嘻嘻
( ^_^ )/~~拜拜
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