写作练习:翻译《玩具屋九讲》第四讲

原文

The father and mother dolls, who sprawled very stiff as though they had fainted in the drawing-room, and their too little children asleep upstairs, were really too big for the doll’s house. They didn’t look as though they belonged. But the lamp was perfect. It seemed to smile at Kezia, to say, ‘I live here.’ The lamp was real.

[The Burnell children could hardly walk to school fast enough the next morning. They burned to tell everybody, to describle, too---well---to boast about their doll’s house before the school-bell rang.]

‘I’m to tell,’ said Isabel, ‘because I’m the eldest. And you two can join in after. But I’m to tell first.’

There was nothing to answer. Isable was bossy, but she was always right, and Lottie and Kezia knew too well the powers that went with being eldest. They brushed through the thick buttercups at the road edge said nothing

‘And I;m not choose who’s to come and see it first. Mother said I might.’

For it had been arranged ask the girls at school, two at at time, to come and look. Not to stay to tea, of course, or to come traipsing through the house. But just to stand quietly in the courtyard while Isabel pointed out the beauties, and Lottie and Kezia looked pleased……

But hurry as they might, by the time they had reached the tarred paintings of the boys’ playground the bell had begun to jangle. They only just had time to whip off their hats and fall into line before the roll was called. Never mind. Isabel tried to make up for it by looking very important and mysterious and by whispering behind her hand to the girls near her, ‘Got something to tell you at playing.’
Playtime came and Isabel was surrounded. The girls of her class nearly fought to put their arms round her, to walk away with her, to beam flatteringly, to be her special friend. She held quite a court under the huge pine trees at the side of the playground. Nudging, giggling together, the little girls pressed up close.]

And the only two who stayed outside the ring were the two who were always outside, the lillte Kelveys. They knew better than to come anywhere near the Burnells.

For the fact was, the school the Burnell children went to was not at all the kind of place their parents would have chosen for miles. And the consequence was all the children in the neighbourhood, the Judge’s little girls, the doctor’s daughters, the storekeeper’s children, the milkman’s, were forced to mix together. Not to speak of there being an equal number of rude, rough little boys as well. But the line had to be drawn somewhere. It was drawn at the Kelveys.Many of the children, including the Burnells, were not allowed even to speak to them. They walked past the Kelveys with their beads in the air, and as they set the fashion in all matters of behaviour, the Kelveys were shuned by everybody. Even the teacher had a special voice for them, and a special smile for the other children when Lil Kelveys came up to her desk with a bunch of dreadfully common- looking flowers.

They were the daughters of a spry, hard-working little washerwomen, who went ahout form house to house by the day. This was awful enough. But where was Mr.Kelvey ? Nobody knew for certain. But everybody said he was in prison……

作者翻译

玩偶父亲和玩偶母亲伸开四肢,僵硬躺着,像昏倒在客厅里,两个小孩则睡在楼上。对玩具屋来说,这些玩偶实在太大了。好像并不属于这幢房子。但是那盏灯却是完美的,它好像对着姬采仪笑,对她说:“我在这儿。”这可是一盏真是的灯。

第二天早晨,伯内尔家的小孩们,尽可能地加快脚步感到学校去,他们心急地想在上课铃响之前,对每一位同学描述——应更说是炫耀一番。

“由我来讲”,伊莎贝尔说,“因为我是大姐。你们可以跟着我说。但是先得让我来说。”

这没得说,伊莎贝尔霸道,而且她一向是正确的。当老大的具有什么权利,罗蒂和姬采仪很了解。他们一言不发地剥开路边浓密的金凤花从,穿了过去。

“而且由我决定谁先来参观。是妈妈说我可以这样的。”

原先已经讲好,只要玩具屋还放在院子里,他们就可以邀请学校的女孩子来观赏,每次邀请两个。当然不留她们喝茶,也不许她们到屋里来乱走动。只能安静地站走院子里,让伊莎贝尔指给他门看那件精品,罗蒂和姬采仪则只能满脸笑容……

尽管她们一路急走,但是当她们走到男生操场边、涂柏油的栅栏旁时,刺耳的铃声已经响了。她们刚刚脱下帽子,站进队伍里,点名就开始了。这没关系,伊莎贝尔想弥补这一切,她摆出一副庄重而神秘的神情,用手掩着嘴,对她旁边的女孩说:“等游戏时间时,告诉你们一件事。”

游戏时间到了,伊莎贝尔被团团围住。同班的女孩儿们争先恐后挽她、跟她走在一起、谄媚她、当她最好的朋友。操场边巨大的松树下,她引来了一群追随者,小女孩们你推我挤,咯咯地笑,向她仅仅围拢过来。只有两个女孩站在圈子之外,她们——小凯尔维姐妹一向只能站在人群外,她们心里有数。

不能走到离伯内尔接姐妹姐妹太近的地方。

事实上,如果可以选择的话,伯内尔家孩子们锁上的学校,绝不是这些父母愿意选择的学校。但是,没有选择的余地,方圆几公里内,这是唯一的一所学校。结果,附近所有的小孩——法官的小女孩,一生的女儿,咋花店老板、送奶工的孩子们,都混杂地挤这个学校了,更不用说还有一半粗鲁顽皮的男孩子了。但总是要有一条界限,界限就划在凯尔维姐妹这里。许多的孩子,包括伯内尔家的孩子,甚至都不被允许跟她们说话。经过凯尔维姐妹身边时,他们总是抬得高高的,由于她们的一举一动有引领风潮的作用,于是没,每个人都避开了凯尔维姐妹。连老师和她们说话时,声调也不一样。当丽儿·凯尔维姐妹捧着很不起眼的艺术化走到老师书桌旁边时,老师冲着其他小孩露出异样的微笑。

他们是那位敏捷、勤快小个子洗衣妇的女儿没,她白天挨家挨户送取衣服。这已经够糟了。凯尔维先生又是在哪儿呢?

我的翻译

一对夫妻玩偶,身躯僵硬,像是晕倒在画室里。他们的小孩在阶梯上睡熟了。玩偶真大啊,玩具屋都快容不下他们。他们看起来似乎不属于这间屋子,但台灯却是完美融合在这里,它仿佛笑着对Kezia说:“我生活在这里。”——确实如此。

第二天早上,Burnell家的孩子早早到校。上课钟声敲响之前,他们激动万分,兴奋地向每一个人谈论自己的玩具屋。

“我最大,我来讲。你俩随后补充。”

没有什么好说的,Isable性格蛮横,但她总是对的。Lottie 和 Kezia知道跟着她总没错。他们自顾拉着薄薄的毛茛,在路边一句话也没说。

“我来选择谁先观摩。妈妈说我可能这么做。”
早些时候,玩具屋还矗立在庭院里,他们计划,可能让Lottie 和 Kezia一同过来观看。不会让她们留下喝茶,当然啦,也不会在院子里散步。仅仅是,Isabel在庭院里给Lottie and Kezia介绍玩具屋的动人之处,让其静静欣赏,玩味。

她们匆匆赶路,等到达男生的操场,铃声响了。她们只好拍拍帽子,慢慢排队。无所谓了,Isabel试图补偿她俩,给他们看一个重要且神秘的东西。她悄声向身后的女生说:“我有好玩儿的事情告诉你们哦。”

游玩的时间到了,Isabel身边围绕的都是人,几乎班上所有的女生都围绕着她。她们和她一走在一起,向她示好,做他的闺蜜。操场旁的松树下,她备受羡慕。女生聚在一起,叽叽喳喳,笑语不断。

人圈外围待着的,是Kelvey小姐妹,她们总是游离在人群之外。她们知道,待在远离Burnells的地方总是好的。

事实上,如果Burnells爸妈有别的选择,他们不会让Burnells去这所学校。可惜没有,这是方圆几公里仅有的学校。结果呢,Judge家的小女儿,医生家的女儿,保管员家的孩子,送奶员的孩子,这些邻居家的孩子都聚集在一块儿。还有不少粗鲁,野蛮的男孩儿。但必须得有个区分,Kelvey家的孩子就是这条线。许多孩子,包括Burnell家的孩子,都不许跟他们讲话。他们走路遇见小Kelvey,都是视而不见。有什么流行的行为,液都将其排除在外。当Kelvey 抱着一束其貌不扬的花走到老师桌子前,老师的笑容液异样起来,甚至讲话的强调都变了。

她们的妈妈是一位机智,勤劳的洗衣工——每天往返于不同的家庭。实在是太辛苦了,可Kelvey在哪儿呢?没有人确切知道,大家都传言他在坐牢。

自评

文采

  • 开头以玩偶大得“不像”真实的来衬托其之“像”,以“假”来写“真”。因为玩偶和屋子不是一起制作的,是另外找来的,这正是玩具屋总有缺点。所以描写很逼真。

  • 描写Kelvey姐妹遭到同学和老师歧视,“head in the air”、“special voice”、“special smile”颇传神。

故事:以Kelvey姐妹给老师送花,老师的不同神情来写起遭到的阶级歧视之深。

逻辑:以总分结构描写Kelvey姐妹遭受的阶级歧视。

作者译文中的小缺陷:余光中在《翻译乃大道》一书
中着力批评了今日中文西而不化之现象。此书译者也未能避免,细细查看,也带有翻译腔。

  • “尽可能地加快脚步”==》“地”字多余。
  • “甚至不被允许跟他们讲话。”==》“被”字多余。
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